Raising four children: Fair is not equal.

One very  hard lesson our kiddos are learning is the concept of what is "fair" vs. what is "equal".  It boils down to this for our family:  What is fair is not necessarily what is equal.  In fact, sometimes giving what is equal is not fair at all.  Understanding the unique talents, needs, and challenges of each of my children and providing for them what will individually help them them grow...that is fair.

At the most basic level this means this:  I wouldn't give a 6-month old a chicken breast and a cup of broccoli because that's what my 10-year old got, thus making it fair.  I would give my 12-month old a half a banana and 4 oz of yogurt and my 10-year old the chicken meal...because developmentally that's what each of them could handle.  The same goes for other things in life....the types of praise, consequences, rewards, toys, screen-time, types of screen-time, etc. varies based on each child.

This is necessary not only for development, but for maturity.  I have a "special" chair at my work for lumbar support.  What if my coworker came in and shouted, "That's not fair!".  The purpose of the chair isn't to make me more comfortable than peers, in fact, the purpose is to make me as pain-free as my peers.  My employer isn't trying to show favoritism, my employer is trying to give me what I individually need.

Finally, we can't afford for fair to be equal.  I can budget to take my kids out on a date one kid at a time, but I can't budget to take four kids out on a date at a time.  I can afford to rotate who gets to pick something from the book order, but I can't afford four kids ordering from the book order each time.  Basically, over time I can provide extras for all of our kids, but if I was expected to do that for all four kids at the same time each time...we could never afford to do anything extra or special.

Finally, fairness isn't going to be found in comparison to their peers.  Which may be an even harder lesson.  I can't afford, and frankly wouldn't if I could, to buy each brand new cool thing out there.  I also can't afford most popular family vacations.  But what I can afford is unconditional love, laughs, time spent with my kids playing and listening, and a value that the greatest things in life won't be found at the bottom of your toy box or hanging in your closet....the greatest things in life are found in our relationships with people and with God.

So, when you're at my house, and you hear the distant cry or quite grumble of "that's not fair" you will hear me respond with. "It might not be equal, but it's probably fair."  But I hope you always feel loved.