5 Awesome "Things"

When I work with my students on their technical writing I often give the advice of "don't use the word 'thing'".  Well, do as I say, not as I do.  Or did.  And will try not to do again in the future.

I had a frustrating day today.  Not a work-related issue, but a personal issue that hovered, clouded, and eventually stormed my mind.  I hate that I have the tendency to let negative thoughts overpower me and interfere with my day.  Towards the end of the day, I saw that it was a friend's birthday.  I haven't seen this friend in quite awhile but I'd consider her very influential in my growth as a person and in my understanding of how to work with kids.  I thought instead of my usual "Have a happy birthday" statement on her Facebook wall I'd put up an image of popcorn that reminded me of how she made me popcorn on one of the more stressful nights at the camp I worked at during my college years.  After I posted it I noticed how my mood changed.  I was thinking more positive, I was thinking about positive people in my life and their lasting impact.  That led me to the idea of writing this blog post, "5 Awesome Things".  In the grand scheme of life, what frustrated me is so small and unworthy of making me weary.  There are too many awesome people that have breathed encouragement, love, and strength into me to let my focus be on something harmful to my spirit.

Why the word "Things"?  Because I can't nail down the most accurate word....I wouldn't say the word "gesture" because that seems too cold.  A gesture is something nice you do for an acquaintance.  I wouldn't say "deed" because I doubt that anyone would want me think of myself as their personal project.  I wouldn't say "act of kindness" because the word "act" makes the kindness seem to isolated out of what a person might be doing on an regular basis...in other words, the "thing" they did is very much apart of who they are and what they regularly do....to call it an "act of kindness" might separate the kindness from the individual too much.  Am I over thinking this?  All in favor say "aye".

So, I gotta get to this.  Lately the weakness of my blog is that I spend 75% of my writing in introduction.  And 10% in random tangents like explaining the percentages of how my blog is being poorly written.

Without furtheradoooooo......5 Awesome "Things"

5.  Foooooood.  Of course I'm going to say food first.  You don't get this adorably chubby physique by not appreciating food.  Throughout all four babies and three back surgeries we've been blessed by friends, church members, family, and co-workers who have kept us fed with tasty, hot food.  It's always meant so much to us that people have taken time out their busy day, and money out of their tighter budgets, to offer help in this meaningful way.

4.  Late night trips to Dairy Queen.  I mentioned above about a friend making popcorn at camp.  Another camp friend kidnapped me once after dark and drove me 30 miles through a moose-filled forest to get me some ice cream.

3.  Encouragement.  I have many friends who are so awesome at encouraging me.  One friend comes to mind particularly who has never been shy of telling me "You're freakin' awesome".  In all of the years I've known him he's had the capacity to make everyone around him feel as if they are at "rock-star" status.  It's great to have friends who freely give out positive encouragement.

2.  Diverse friendships.  And when I say "diverse" I'm really talking about the characteristics of the friendship itself rather than the individual.  I have friends who respond to me very differently, and I think that all of those responses are valuable.  If I have a "problem" I have friends who listen and offer multiple perspectives.  And I need that.  I also have friends who listen to my problems and put on their boxing gloves ready to fight my battle for me.  And on a lot of days....I really need that spirit of a friend to push me on through.  The power of friendship...it's ability to support and heal..is an awesome "thing".

1.  The Dirty Work.  Through pregnancy complications and back surgeries I've had friends and family that have gotten "dirty" for us.  They've swept and washed our floors, literally touched our dirty laundry, and even had to help me with my own personal needs as I recovered from my spinal fusion.  To see a friend or family member do that "dirty work" is the ultimate revelation that you are, in fact, loved.

Because my introduction was too lengthy, I'll save some time in the conclusion and just say....
The End.

10 Things I Know to Be True

I realized that I haven't written on this blog since last April.  I wrote on my "Fusion Recovery" blog, which makes sense since that has been a pretty occupying event in my life these past 6 months.  But I think it's time to start up again.  But I feel stumped with a topic.  I have some ideas that have been roaming around my mind, but nothing to which I've followed-through.  

One of my favorite spoken word poets, Sarah Kay, has an assignment to help cure writer's block.  That assignment is to write "10 things I know to be true".  That list can then lead to a list of "topics" for a writing piece.  So.  In efforts to cure my writer's block, here's my list.......

1.  I  have a nomadic spirit.  My mind is constantly trying to make sense of my "next step" in life.  I have a drive to personally evolve that just can't be squashed.  A lot of the time the motivation behind this is because I don't really like feeling content in my career...I feel (right or wrong) that the biggest difference I can make in the world must be just outside my comfort zone.  If I'm comfortable with my job, or see that I'm not impacting positive change, I feel the itch to move on and take another risk.  

2.  I love pre-packaged desserts.  Swiss Cake rolls. Those fried cherry pie things are THE best.  Cosmic brownies.  Fudge rounds. Star Crunch.  If it comes in a clear flimsy package, I love it.  

3.  I have a lot of self-confidence issues with my appearance.  I don't like being overweight.  I criticize my hair, fashion, etc.  I do believe I'm blessed to have a husband that calls me beautiful no matter how I feel about myself.  I wish I felt wonderful about my body, no matter how big my curves, but I simply don't.  I've tried very hard to think of health over appearance, but I'm not successful in keeping my mind in that direction.  

4.  I love that my husband is 6'4.  I always wanted to marry a tall man and I accomplished that :-) 

5.  My relationship with God is in desperate need of attention.  I do believe that God has been patient with me, but I worry for how much longer He will wait.  I never, ever imagined life to be so intense, and I'm ashamed that the one thing that could really make a difference in my life and my family is the one thing that gets pushed to the back of my mind.  Thankfully we've found a church in Dubuque that we love, but I know that God is wanting my attention for all of my days, not just Sundays.   

6.  I mostly only drink 1/2 of my can of pop, but I tend to drink all of a 20 oz bottle.  I've recently discovered why that is.  Without going into detail, I will share that I've been behaviorally engineered to expect cigarette ashes at the bottom of pop cans, so believe I don't finish pops out of subconscious fear.  

7.  Even though I know #1 to be true, I have to say that I love, love teaching at the college level.  I believe that while I can't promise where I'll be at 30 years from now I would be surprised if I didn't retire from being a professor.  Of course I realize that I have no ideas the curve balls that will be tossed in my direction, but I could see myself teaching until I'm 70.  With my current student-loan status, that will probably be 5 years too early. 

8.  I can't grow out my fingernails or my hair.   And I've only had a manicure once in my life.  Never a pedicure.  My feet are gross and I don't wish that experience on anyone.  

9.  I  had an idea at work today that included the term "Jedi".  And even though my idea did not go over with any amount of success, I have no regrets.  Except for maybe that I did not speak my idea as Yoda did.  "Reject my idea you should.  Brainstorming out loud again I am."

10.  My husband is perhaps the most devoted person that I know.  While we don't always see eye to eye and our marriage is not being pitched to Hollywood as the next "Ghost" or "Dirty Dancing" romance, I can't imagine a partner being as devoted to me as he is.  He supported me through graduate school, is patient and open-minded with my career path, and was my caretaker for all three back surgeries.  When I think about "what might have been" with other men I don't think in romantic wonder, I think in perplexed horror of what might have been if it were not him that I married.  That may sound a bit dramatic.  But, that's really the bottom line.  

So, that's it.  That's my 10 things.  Whether or not they turn into actual topics is yet to be determined, but it feels great to write again.  

Plan B: Spinal Fusion

Well, my back has been progressively getting worse.  I would list all of the issues that my back is causing, but I'll sum up with the major ones:  difficulty walking, increase in frequency (and duration) of muscle spasms in my back and right leg, difficulty getting out of chairs, extreme difficulty sleeping at night.  Those are the major issues.  A week ago I had two back spasms while teaching.  It was horrible.  I wanted to crawl into the cupboard of the podium.

With the progression of symptoms regardless of PT, my surgeon ordered a "discogram" to check the health of another one of my discs.  We know that my lowest disc, L5-S1 is bad, but he was questioning the health of the one above it, L4-L5.  They put a needle in a good disc as a control, and a needle in the bad one and then they push a dye through in order to see how the disc does under pressure. The disc is "bad" if the xray shows the dye leaking out of the disc and if the test causes pain. (Check and Check). The needle itself through a lightening bolt of pain down my leg.  Then the doctor said, "Okay, we are ready to start."  Needless to say this threw me into a whirlwind of tears.  Thankfully the nursing staff were amazing and helped me get through it by chatting with me about my family and the conscious sedation took an edge off.  The doctor showed me the results right there.  He compared my good disc with one of my bad discs.  It's quite amazing the toll degenerative disc disease has taken on these discs and I'm only 34.

The results have led my surgeon to recommend, and me to happily accept, a spinal fusion to fuse L5-S1 and L4-L5 disc spaces (3 vertebrae total).  The surgery will be on May 28th. Three days after I'm done with Loras for the academic year :-)  Leaving me with 3 months to recover before classes start again.

During the surgery they will take out what's left of the discs.  The surgeon will then make new "bones" using my bone tissue, cadaver bone tissue, and an artificial substance.  The bone will be placed where the discs were and then a cage will be made using titanium rods and screws, attaching and protecting the new bone to the vertebrae.  I'll be in a back brace for 3 months with limited activity in hopes (and very good odds) that the new bone will grow into my vertebrae.

I'm thankful that medicine has come this far and that this surgery option is available.  My dad has gotten this same surgery done and as I'm sure he could also attest, it's hard to imagine what I would do without it.  The degeneration and pain in my back is quite disabling and living in this amount of chronic pain is quite unbearable.  I'm not upset that I have to have surgery, I'm quite grateful that there is an option available to help me function again.

I'm looking forward to pain-free (or at least pain minimized!) days in the future.  My family and job continue to be bright spots in the midst of these issues.  Coincidentally on the same day that I had the back spasms while teaching I got an anonymous "shout out" on an anonymous Facebook Page run called "Du it Forward" that stated "Dr. Kruse is an amazing professor and person".  Even though I was so horrified that I had those spasms in class, that encouragement made my week because I knew that even though my back issues consume me, they don't define me.

I'm overdue for creating a binder.....

We all have quirky comfort items.  (I say "we all" in hopes that I'm not too strange).

I've written in the past about the comfort of my backpack.  Now for another odd item....binders.

When I think about anytime I've had to start a big project, I've always created a binder.  A new project at work?  Binder.  My dissertation?  Three-ring glory.  Keeping track of Noah's medical issues, education, and progress?  You've guessed it--binder.  

I feel like I've come to another intersection in my life where I need to create a binder to get through.  I met with my new physical therapist today and she gave me to do's and not to do's.  I started the appointment in tears...well, some laughter and then tears.  

PT assistant:  "Do you have any loss of bladder or bowel control."

Me:  "Not yet."

laughter--she liked my use of the term "yet".  

PT assistant:  "Have you had any unexplained and sudden weight loss?"

Me:  "I wish."

laughter---I really am a funny person.  

PT assistant: "What's your goal for PT?"

Me: "To be 34 years old."

Tears.  I can't handle this.  There are days when I can't throw a piece of garbage in the trash can with out a back spasm taking my breath away.  Excruciating pain overwhelms my right leg all too often.  How could I ever do the things normally again...and pain free?

But that was not the tone of the appointment.  

The PT came in and she began helping me know what to do and what not to do.  She explained the neuroscience behind my pain.  She explained how some of the things I was doing that I thought was helping were actually creating some barriers to my progress (like walking 10,000 steps a day).  She said she could tell that I was really smart and she talked to me like I was intelligent and in-control of some of my own progress.  She didn't mention using narcotics to manage my pain.  She didn't mention cutting me open in 6 months.  I think I may begin trusting her.  

Am I skeptical?  Yes.  The damage in tissues/nerve, disc space is not pretty. It's also confusing to hear conflicting messages between your surgeon and your PT.  Will I still have spinal fusion surgery in the next year or so?  I don't know.  And not knowing is frustrating and scary.  A lot is out of my hands.  A lot is in the loyal and faithful hands of my Creator.  But some things I can control.

So I created a binder.  My 34-year old version of a security blanket.  

I'm tracking my daily PT exercises, the new "habits" I'm supposed to be forming, my weight, my medication intake....all of this over the next several weeks.  I'm hoping that this will not only hold me accountable but help me see the small increments of progress over time.  Will my weight drop if I pay attention?  Will I feel better at the end of the day if I've attended to my sitting posture?  Will my exercises increase in complexity over the course of several weeks?  Will the amount of medication I'm on decrease?

My new project:

PT Exercises

Log for new habits, medication, weight, and other notes.

Log for tracking daily progress on PT exercises.

The Art of Conversation: A Lesson from a 3 year old.

I've been studying the ways of my 3 year-old daughter.  (I  thought that beginning would make me sound like an intelligent anthropologist.....did it work?)  Anyhoo (see, now I'm straying from the intelligence...) her conversation style is fascinating.  I've learned that she has a craft of changing the subject when she just doesn't really know what's going on, or wants to simply portray that she doesn't know what's going on.  She doesn't change the subject into a different and useful direction, she changes it while creating such confusion that her victims are left silent and dumbfounded.  And I think that's a skill I'd like to have as well.  I mean, wouldn't it be great to just get out of a conversation whenever you wanted?

Example:

Me:  You need to clean up after yourself, that's what it means to be responsible.  You need to learn responsibility.
Aubri:  Yes, but unicorns aren't brown anymore.
Me:  I've got nothing.

So...here's how I could use this:

My boss:  I think you should be on this committee,  it will be a good opportunity for you.
Me:  Perhaps.  But I also think magic carpets cause mildew stains on the ceiling of the garage.

Really...how could you argue with that??

And  no, I'm not complaining about committee work.  In fact, I've always been an advocate to form a committee called "The Committee to Create Committees", it hasn't gotten off of the ground yet.

Aubri, the Social Mastermind 

Kruse Family Update

It feels like its been awhile since I've done a general family update so I thought I'd give it a go tonight.  Life in Dubuque has created new adventures for us all.  I think we're settling in quite well...and I can imagine that we could be here a long time (hoping of course that I get tenured at Loras when the time comes).....
Here are some individual family member updates:

Michael continues to truck along at his job with McKesson/Relay Health.  Michael is missing his Weitz friends but is happy learning some new skills in his Security position, as well as making new friends among his colleagues.

Sam is 8 1/2 now and settling into his new elementary school. His favorite subject at school is Math though he says "there are a lot of good ones" regarding school subjects.  He's doing well, it's really awesome as a parent to watch him grow in his interests.  He's very excited to play Little League this summer.  It will be his first summer out of the Parks and Rec program and into a more competitive league.  He's always hit better when pitched to then off of a tee so I think he's going to enjoy himself.  He'll be one of the oldest in his Division since he has an August birthday.  This creates a little bit of awkwardness because his classmates who are older will be on the team above his.  But maybe that'll give him a chance to show his stuff with the younger players :-).   In other news, he's interested in learning how to create power points, particularly about Iowa.  Not sure where this idea came from...

Noah is 7 and never ceases to surprise me.  He doesn't allow his learning needs to stop his progress and persistence.  He is "keeping up" with the 1st grade curriculum just great thanks to the support of his Speech therapist and Occupational therapist.  This is his second  year with a teacher who has high expectations for him, which I believe makes a huge difference in his success.  He continues to amaze us with his sweetness and charm and sprinkles of humor.  Though he's got a crush on a little girl in his class, he informed us on Valentines Day that he would not be getting married ever.  We're hoping to put him in swimming lessons this spring or summer and he's looking forward to another year of Parks and Rec tee-ball.

Jacob is 5 and is a whirl-wind of happy energy.  He's had a positive year at preschool and has a made a lot of adorable friends.  His humor and creativity is developing and he reminds me more and more of my own Dad, who has a unique and dry sense of humor.  He's a little sponge right now, eager to learn how to read and write.  I wish I could bottle this type of excitement for learning and I'm thrilled that his early learning experiences are encouraging this excitement.  We're hoping that Jacob will start Parks and Rec tee-ball this summer and he's thrilled to be on a team like his big brothers.  We're also throwing around the idea of soccer but haven't made a decision yet.  Jacob's energy would be suitable for soccer but we work very hard at finding a balance of activities for each child while remaining mindful of the implications these activities have on our entire family.

Aubri is 3 and has a big personality.  She's so articulate and surprises us with the things that she says.  She's also the most intuitive 3-year old I've ever known.  She's the family social butterfly and is making plenty of friends in both childcare and preschool.  We are also thinking about registering Aubri for soccer this summer (she turns 4 in May).  While I anticipate her hanging out on the soccer field looking for dandelions  I think the opportunity to run and play with other little ones this summer would be a good time for her.  I'll also put her in "zumba" for little kids this summer as well because...well, watching that is really for my own entertainment.

My personal update is that every week and month that passes at my new job at Loras College proves to me that we made the right decision.  Earlier in the Fall I struggled with missing our friends and family and wasn't sure about how long I could see ourselves here.  But after feeling adjusted to our move as well as getting to know my colleagues, the college,  the community, and my professor-role more....I can't help but to feel excited for the coming years.  I really do love my job...and seem to be reminded of that on a daily basis.  Unfortunately, I've watched too much Greys Anatomy and Downton Abbey to feel completely settled....I keep waiting for something bad to happen.  I know that's not the way life should work.  But, like I said, I watch too much dramatic T.V. to feel completely safe. :-)  My back is not yet in good shape following my surgery in January, but I didn't let it make me miss a beat with my teaching.  Awesome colleagues have been supportive along the way, which only assures me that much more that we're in a good spot here in Dubuque.

This has been a long post, but I feel like it's been awhile since we've been in touch with some of our long-time friends back "home" and friends and family for all over the States (and world!).  We're hoping that spring and summer weather will bring us to Central Iowa often and we hope to continue to host visitors this summer.

Good Buddies, Sam and Noah

Light Thai Pizza...Easiest Pizza Ever.

I've made this pizza twice and have liked both times. Michael enjoys it too, which is a bonus! 

Needed:

--3-4 cups of Birds-eye brand Thai-style frozen vegetables.  I buy mine at Wal-mart.  It comes with a Thai sauce in the bag, use the entire pouch.

--2 cups of Tyson Grilled & Ready frozen chicken breast strips

--1 pre-made pizza crust (I use a thin, whole-wheat crust)

--3/4 cup (or to your own taste) of Mozzerella cheese (I use the kind that has Philadelphia Cream Cheese in it)

--Oven-roasted shaved almonds (found in salad section, usually)

Saute' vegetables, sauce, and chicken in pan. 

Prepare pizza crust as directed on package (I brush crust with olive oil).

Spread vegetable/chicken mixture on crust, top with cheese, and then sprinkle a handful of shaved almonds on the top Bake in oven at 425 for 8 minutes (or until cheese is melted).  

I want to experiment with drizzling  a spicier Thai sauce on the top when done, but I need to make a trip to Galena to find something yummy :-)  

The bulk of this pizza is the veggies---and it's very filling!!