Saying Goodbye to 2012

It's my blogging tradition to say goodbye to the current year.  So, here it is.  "Goodbye, 2012, you crazy-son-of-a-gun."  I thought since I was already personifying the year by saying goodbye to it  I might as well tag on a term of endearment. 

This really was a crazy, bitter-sweet year. 

I birthed a dissertation.  For some reason that is the only image I can use to describe that process.  I graduated with my Ph.D.  We moved to Dubuque.  I said good-bye to dear friends.   I said hello to new friends.  I started a whole new career.  I experienced growing pains, both personal and professional.  I felt blessed by my growing pains. 

I've missed my friends and family.  I've learned that the home you build up around you and your family...the community you establish...is largely a product of the love and energy that you put into it. (And I can pretty much gaurantee that when Michael reads that line he will crack a joke about the Beatles and their lyrics, "The love you take is equal to the love you make.")  And some days the energy to build that home and community just isn't there and you want to bury yourself in blankets and forget that the day exists.  And other days that energy overflows and you run with it.  And you allow yourself to love new things.  Make new traditions.  Love new people. 

Most importantly, I've learned that God takes care of us no matter our location.  He cared for us in Ames and He cares for us in Dubuque.  He continues to provide regardless of zipcode.  And while it's easy to become homesick, we can rest easy knowing that the memories of our past keep us warm and the hopes for our future keep us moving. 

Tone it down, Kruse.

At times, the hardest aspect of life are lessons that we learn along the way.  Ironically, those lessons, or the realizations of those lessons are also rewarding because it is amazing that we have the opportunity to have truths revealed about us....and more importantly, the opportunity to grow or change.

Until recently I've prized my personality.  I've always been on the more "passionate" side of life.  As a child I took on my own causes...starting an environment club (with just myself, by the way, but I did write out club goals and expectations), writing the mayor of my city my concerns, and I even vividly remember riding my bike to the home of my state legislator when I was in sixth grade, knocking on his front door to chat about equal rights.  Thankfully I had the Girl Scouts as my excuse because he   let me in.  (That was the 80's.  You could go into someone's home without causing a huge scandal).  

But my personality has only intensified throughout the years (though I'm convinced I stalled out in high school, for some reason I think that I must have been somewhat of a dud in that phase).  

And I've prized that passion.  It's driven me to the field that I work in, and it motivates me to keep going. It's caused me to be expressive, spontaneous, and wear my heart on sleeve.  (Side note, I almost typed "literally wear my heart on my sleeve" until I realized how disgusting that actually is).  

But now I've had to take a step back and re-evaluate.  Perhaps, at times, I'm too much.  The inflections in my voice.  My hand-gestures.  My knee-jerk reactions in some conversations.  I wonder if this expression could easily be misinterpreted as as abrupt or abrasive.  (By the way, my husband disagreed when I asked him this.  But then I thought, I'm sure my husband, who shares my bed, doesn't really want to say "Yes, honey, you're too abrasive".)  

Not that I think that I have to change my personality...but I think that I need to reflect on the level of the intensity of my reactions and responses.  

A good friend once told me that I don't have a poker-face, and she's right.  If  I'm confused, happy, annoyed, it shows up on my face in pretty quick.  I should have been in comedy, because for some reason it seems like the faintest expression on me appears exaggerated.  And when I try to remain expression-less I'm pretty sure I look grumpy.  My hand motions also tend to be a bit over-played.  I really need to become more self-aware of how my body-language contributes to the energy of those around me.  

I also need to consider my reactions--both the response-time and level of intensity.  I need to remember that A) my emergencies are for sure not the emergencies of others and B) not everything deserves the same level of passion and energy.  Ironically I'm probably exaggerating B a little bit.  I do know that not everything deserves the same level, but I do feel I need to be more selective on what I am most expressive about.  In addition to making people, particularly those who don't know me, feel uncomfortable...I worry that if I come come off as intense on so many issues, how will people know what it is that I am really passionate about?    

If I bought a brand-new alarm clock, the sound of its alarm would startle me the first few mornings.  My heart might even race.  I probably wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep.  Eventually, I would get used to the alarm and my hand would easily find its way to the snooze button.  I'd be able to roll-over, and at times, even forget that it ever went off.  I don't want people, both personally and professionally, to learn to hit my snooze button.  Because what if at one point...there is something I really, really need to say.  What if something on my most passionate list (disability rights, love for family and friends, inclusion, my faith) simply gets ignored because the sound of my own alarm has become background noise, easy to be ignored?

My personality has it's own conflicts.  While I am expressive, I'm also highly sensitive.  I'm very sensitive to how I might have made others feel (unfortunately I'm better and realizing after-the-fact rather than in-the-moment).  I feel very hurt and broken if I've realized that I in someway hurt someone else or made them feel uncomfortable.  I do know that as a person that I fail often in my personal interactions, but just to know that I've been the cause of frustration or hurt can be enough to immobilize me.  And I know that needs to change.  I need to be very aware of how my expression and timing can directly influence another person's mood.  One of my favorite quotes, "Do you light up a room when you walk in, or when you walk out?"  I don't want to be anyone's darker moment.  

I don't think those who know me best will ever describe me as "even keel".  My days working at Camp taught me that a keel is the center of the canoe.  We were taught the term "heel on the keel".  If you go off of the keel to quick or too far, you could easily tip your canoe.  (But you don't have to worry about the keel if you have a giant snake in your boat, but that is a story for another day).  I just need to remember to keep "heel on the keel".  I'll always be a bit wobbly.  I'll never be perfectly even---and I don't think I was designed to be.  I don't think my Creator made me that way.  But I do think He did make me reflective, responsive, and responsible to the individuals that surround me in my daily life and so I need to work to be more self-aware to the impact of my expressions and passion to those around me.  

Side note:  I'm fairly confident that I just explained my canoe analogy all wrong, which justifies that while working at Camp they kept me far away from the canoes and stuck me in Arts and Crafts.  

What's on my heart today.....

Sam has an "agenda" (fancy name for a planner) that he has to take back and forth to school every day.  Keeping with Kruse tradition, life got hectic this week and we misplaced his planner for about 24 hours.  Last night, while completing our nightly ritual of me looking at the agenda and signing off that I had, indeed, seen it, I noticed that his teacher put a frowny face in red pen where my signature would go.  This made me a little sad.  Sam is a new kid at school, this is our first year learning this rigid planner routine, and the thought of him having to see this picture every time he used at school this week made my heart a little sad.

Meanwhile, Aubri has been over the moon about school.  She can't get enough of it.  She wants to go on Saturdays and Sundays and literally cried when I told her that I didn't have any homework for her.  So, what has happened between age 3 and 3rd grade?  From spirited and joyful about learning to anxiety and red frowny-faced planners?

I wrote a little poem (just a little diddy, if you will ;-)  on what my heart speaks on this matter:

Perfectly Imperfect

About a year ago (well, who knows really when it was, sounds like a good way to start....) I sat in our pediatrician's office waiting for our appointment.  I found myself flipping through parent magazines, which in of itself was strange because it was probably the first time in 8 years I didn't spend the entire waiting time following an inpatient toddler around who was determined to explore the ins and outs of germ-infested doctor offices.  I started scanning the "advice" given by both professionals and parents.  I examined the pictures in both advertisements and articles.  And two ideas popped into my head...1) I cannot relate to this,  and 2) no wonder I was so anxious when I was pregnant with Sam and in his first year of life.  These magazines painted this incredibly unrealistic picture of what being a mom entails and literally looks like.  Perfect discipline, perfect nutrition that must be paired with cutesy presentation of all major food groups, stylish clothes for the whole family. Disneyworld and Beaches resort vacations.  And everyone must be smiling.  Always.

Throughout my grad school years friends and strangers (but oddly, no family members ;-) commented on me being "Super Mom" and I had to shy away from those comments....I just didn't see it (or don't see it).  In fact, I'd argue that all of my mom friends are "Super".  This idea of "Super Mom" or being "Magazine Perfect" is in contradiction with my life.  Evidence:
1.  Noah's hair.  Seriously.  He's the nutty professor in a 6 year-old body. I know it needs cut.  And yes, I know I sent him to school with it that way (and yes, I tried to tame it at the door of the school building this a.m. by patting it down with my own spit on my hand).  The fact that I wasn't bothered when the before school staff told me that Noah had read the word "Ass" out loud because another student wrote it in sidewalk chalk was probably icing on the cake for that person.  In fact, I probably looked proud that my former non-reader had such great word decoding skills.  And I'm not entirely convinced that the other student who wrote the word was not Sam.  I didn't even ask.  I was late for work.  Nodding and smiling about the situation was all I had to offer.
2.  Is Little Ceasar's pizza a food group?
3.  I've worn the same black pants alllllllll week.  And I'm not apologizing.
4.  My self-talk.  Do other mom's do this??  Do other mom's have phrases that they just keep in their head...but the fact that they are there, may be disturbing if other people knew?  For instance, every time I hear my children whine, I think "Every time you whine an angel loses its wings".  I don't SAY it.  But I think it.  And it makes me at least smile on the inside.  And that's really just the surface of my self-talk catch phrases.  So, if while my child is whining, you're thinking I'm pondering strategies to positively direct my child into appropriate behavior.....think again.  I'm taking my mommy-self on a vacay to Florida where only me and ONLY me sits on a beach with a big fat margarita.  Where I don't have to think about the poor angels losing their wings.
5.  My house is clean.  When I have visitors.  Neighbors:  please don't randomly stop by because it ain't pretty.   It's not uncommon for me to take a step back, look at my kitchen, and think "Thank goodness this is not a restaurant  because the Health Department would Shut. This. Down.  And to think that's where I lovingly prepare beautiful, crafty meals for four cherubs and doting husband.

And I don't say this to encourage us to all be Slacker-Moms.  That's not the case at all.  I'm saying this because I think we need to give ourselves a bit of a break.  Ultimately, all of my kids are growing up in a home where despite our flaws, they know they are loved.  They know that God loves them.  They know that  at the end of the day they may not have the fanciest clothes or the fanciest toys or awesome vacations....but they have me.  All of me.  The flaws and the fun.  The sad and the happy.  The frizzy hair and the wide smile.  (The squishy arms and the stinky feet...really, folks, we could go on forever ;-)  The point is....as their parents WHO we are is sufficient enough.  Perfectly imperfect.

Celebrating Teachers

Last night I made a Facebook post in reflection of my child's chromosome disorder and the effect that has had on his learning and development and how we've witnessed his teachers truly rise to the occasion of  not only meeting his needs, but nurturing his growth.  I received several thoughtful comments on my FB page so I've decided to extend some of my thoughts here....

I've had the fortunate experience of examining education from multiple angles: student, teacher, government employee, parent, researcher, and now, pre-service teacher-trainer.  I've had the opportunity to do both hard work and deep reflection from each of these angles and I've come to this conclusion:  Teachers amaze me.  

From the student's perspective...I loved, loved, loved school.  I would count the days down from summer break to school just waiting for the smell of textbooks and newly-waxed floors.  I think if I could by a candle that said "first day of school smell" I would stock-up without hesitation.  And it wasn't because of my friends that I loved school (though you are all very great!).  We moved quite a bit in my childhood so my friendships did not remain constant from year-to-year, but what did remain from year-to-year was some pretty awesome teachers who taught me not only how to read, but how to love to read.  They taught me how to write, type, think, sing, disagree.....the list of the skills and dispositions I got out of my education...the list that makes me, well, me....goes on and on.  And it wasn't necessarily the latest and greatest teaching strategy that made the most impact on my education, but the willingness of my teachers to establish relationships with me.  This sleepy Saturday morning, I celebrate the teachers who nurtured my growth:  Mrs. Sackett, Mrs. Witzel, Mrs. Meinecke, Mrs. Menning, Miss Caston, Mr. Peterson...and even the teachers who were never officially my "teachers" but still took the time to get to know me, like Mr. Maxwell and Mrs. Lubeck.  It's impossible to name all of the teachers and school staff who made an impact on my growth, and I fear this post will fall-short in the list of the teachers I should never stop thanking.  

From the teacher's perspective I've gotten to know many dedicated, hard-working, and incredible teachers.  I observed teachers who loved their content areas and loved their students, and when I saw those two passions intersect they created heart-bursting, eye-popping learning environments.  Did I see some non-examples of good teaching?  Absolutely.  And could those non-examples shape and disturb the educational experiences of the children and families involved?  Absolutely, I don't neglect to recognize those experiences have and do occur, and I'm very much concerned for the children and families involved.  But from inside the school, looking out, I don't want the small percentage of non-examples to overshadow the teachers who radiate in their noble profession.  I can't even begin to name the teachers I've met in my career that I simply love.  But I will take the time to celebrate my teacher-friend Jan Westrum who I got to be neighbors with in our school building.  I'm pretty sure I've never told her "thanks" for being the teacher-model that I very much needed in my life.  She modeled an open-door policy for ALL students and teachers, a drive to continue growing in content knowledge and pedagogy, and a true and unfailing care for each student in her room, regardless of gifts and background.  She also modeled positive colleague relationships and professional behavior all while maintaining a sense of humor and a sense of fun.  I still think it would be pretty awesome to be Jan when I grow up.  

From the state-government employee perspective, I can't help but to be astounded that teachers remain in the profession as long as they do.  I don't mean to say this to be negative on our state and federal government, but the ever-changing climates of our political system have an impact on our educational system that I can only compare to a silent avalanche.  Those on the outer bounds may not even know the impact of legislative change or policy change, but the teachers and programs impacted must quickly dig themselves out of the frequent chaos and push forward, all while maintaining a calm, "business-as-usual" demeanor to assure they don't upset the climate in their schools.  Teachers feel the direct blows from the constant collision of the federal government, state government, regional systems, school districts, teachers unions, and school boards more than any of us.  And to my former colleagues working in the state and regional system,  your work is also amazing.  Working to assure quality and equitable education for each and every child in our state is no easy task, but I want those who are "down on our government employees" to know that each and every person I worked with at the Dept. of Ed has a level of work-ethic and dedication that would be difficult to beat. 

Before I leave this blog entry, I have to speak from a parent's perspective.  I have had to advocate for my son, and at times, challenge our school system to "try again" in their services to Noah.  I've had maddening and frustrating experiences. But I'm learning to not to let those isolated experiences paint the picture of my child's past or future in education.  (Notice I said "learning" not "I have arrived"...).  I started this journey with a "worst case scenario" disposition and have since realized that Noah's teachers have rose to the occasion of not only meeting his needs, but nurturing his growth.  I sat in a meeting once with a teacher in tears because she did not know how to "un-lock" his reading skills.  She wasn't in tears because she thought he was lazy and didn't know what to do.  She was in tears because she wanted him to read so badly and felt overwhelmed by her responsibility for my son.  She never stopped trying to find just the right "key" for him.  And she did find it.  She collaborated with a teacher and began a reading program that engaged Noah in not only letters/words, but in pictures, body movements, sound cues, etc. It was much more support than a "typical" learner but they did it anyway because they cared for him.  Yesterday I found out that he started out first grade reading at a higher level than expected for a beginning first grader and that he is on target for maintaining that growth.  I cried.  Our new school doesn't know how hard he's worked and the amount of dedication put forth by his teachers and parents since he was 10 months old.  But I know.  And it made me weep.  

Yes.  As a teacher-trainer, researcher, and systemic-thinker I think we have a long ways to go in teacher preparation.  But that's the beauty of the field of Education.  We will never arrive.  Our children and families will be constantly changing as our society and culture evolves.  We will never arrive. But there's no one more dedicated to keep trudging through this insane jungle than the teachers that have surrounded me, and more importantly, that are surrounding my children.  

Glimpses of the "Teen Years"...

I overheard a pretty hilarious conversation this morning that I just CAN'T keep to myself. 

A little background...
Aubri has been my most independent child from the get-go.  She rarely let us "spoon" feed her as an infant, she was the first to refuse to hold her hand when walking with her, and she reminds us mulitple times a day that, "I AM bigger now" while standing on her tippy-toes and reaching her chin as far into the air as she can.  She is in constant "need" to be older and bigger.

But THIS morning topped all of our other experiences with this need of hers....

I was in our living room, and she was in the kitchen.  I heard "distressed" voices, so naturally, I tuned in.  (Really, we are a 24-hour dramatic Reality TV show here in the Kruse household).  Here is what I picked up on:

Aubri (age 3): DADDY.  I want you to drop me off at the school.

Michael:  Yes, I am taking you to school.

Aubri:  NO.  Drop me OFF.  No go inside with me.

Michael: Aubri, I have to go inside and take you to your class.

Aubri:  NO.  Drop me OFF.

Michael:  If I just drop you off they will think I am a bad dad.  Note:  we find giving her reasons that put it on ourselves rather than saying, "you're not old enough", works easier....

Aubri:  No.  You are a NOT a bad dad.

Michael:  Aubri, I have to take you in.

Aubri:  But I am FOURTEEN.

By this time Michael had given up on the conversation and moved on with his morning by ignoring her.  I, on the otherhand, was laughing in the living room.  Aubri has given "false facts" about her age before.  Typically, according to her, her age ranges from 3-7.  But this was a first.  Never in my imagination did I think that I would have a three year old daughter who wanted to be fourteen so badly.  And it's not so much the three going on 14 that scares me....it's the 14 going on.....????  that scares me the most!

I'm a Freshman, again. And it feels great (ish).

Tonight I got the rosters for the four courses I'll be teaching this semester and the first thought I had was, "Huh!  They were really serious about giving me this gig!"  These last couple of weeks I've been working on my syllabi, trying to figure out the different policies and procedures of the College so that I could respond to student emails, and working out the nuts and the bolts of my new position.  This all has me feeling like a freshman again.  Only I don't live in awesome dorms with my soon-to-best and long-life friends.  Instead, I'm 34, I do live with my best friend, and we also live with four young people that cry too-easily and could possibly pee their pants if you tickle them too hard.  But none-the-less, I have that freshman feeling about me. 

I don't know the campus.  And I'll be too proud to use a map on the first day. 
I don't know many people.  I'll probably flash my awkward-but-don't-I-look-friendly smile to innocent passerbyers.  I don't even know if passerbyer is a word (but the freshman in me would rather sound witty than intelligent). 
I have a "place" to move into.  And I'm genuinely excited to settle into it and maybe even give a whirl at some sort of decor. 
I'm naive, energetic, hopeful, nauseaus, anxious,cautious and excited.  I'm happy to make new friends, worried that some will hate me, and wouldn't mind a phone call from my mom and dad after my first day. 

And this is what feels great---I know that this first year will be a year that I get to look back on with nostalgia--the same way I looked back on my own freshman year(s) :-), my first year working at Camp, my first year teaching, and my first year of grad school.  There will be some triumphs (I figured out the copy machine!) and some defeats.  But it's in those defeats that my greatest growth will occur. 

And so my greatest hopes include that every once in awhile I'll pause and breathe in deep the newness of my air and realize that I will never again be a true "Freshman" faculty member.  That this is my year to grow and seize.  And that a year from now, I hope to chuckle at the amount of anxiety I had about emailing a student a simple procedure.  That I'll laugh at my insecurities in forming new relationships over a cup of coffee with a new friend and colleague. 

I get to be a freshman again.   It feels promising, hopeful, and exciting.  It feels....great. 

Random Thoughts....

I haven't blogged in awhile, mostly because I don't feel like I have much to say.  I think I've said this in the past, but I like my blogs to make some sort of cohesive sense, but I just don't have any extended thoughts on any one topic.  At least lately. Or At least that I should share publicly ;-) So, here's a list of thoughts that have been going through my mind lately, they are in no particular order, nor am I claiming that they are important or relevant. :-)

1.  Being a newcomer is lonely.  But surprising peaceful.  This temporary anonymity is a blessing.  Right now I can go to Wal-Mart looking haggard and perhaps a bit gross and no one is wise to who I even am.  Soon that will change as I'm bound to bump into my students and new colleagues.  But for now, I'm not even bothering with makeup and no one needs to know if I actually brushed my hair before I put it up in a ponytail.

2.  XXX Summer Olympics.  I'm feeling surprised that my parental blocker on our T.V. didn't give us a hard time about that.

3.  I thought I wanted to go on a 10th anniversary honeymoon next summer, now I'm not so sure.  I have a hard time with not being with my kids for longer than 48 hours.  This surprised me about myself.  I've seen myself as a pretty independent lady, and yes, my kids do drive me nuts sometimes and, yes, I'd like a break from the Kruse Kraziness, but I think spending 3 days or so in the wildnerness with my hubs is really what I want to do for our 10th.  Maybe we'll do a honeymoon on our 15th.  When we have a couple of middle-schoolers under our roof.

4.  Cooking.  It Sucks.  But I have perfected scrambled eggs.  Which Aubri calls "Grandma Eggs", and that's just adorable.  I used to like cooking, but now I don't.  Maybe this is only for a season.

5.  The song 99 red balloons came on the radio today and I realized that this song is on my "I never get tired of this music" list.  Admit it, it's on your list too.

6.  Forgiveness and Letting Go.  I've been doing a lot of praying and self-talk lately about some forgiving and letting go that I need to do with individuals in my past who have hurt me, or even continue to hurt me.  Boy.  It's not easy.  It's probably the toughest thing I've ever tried to do.  And some of my readers have studied Statistics with me, so you know how hard this must be if I'm saying that this, forgiving and letting go, is the toughest.  Except, Erik Whitver, I can't let go of the time you threw my Brooke Shield's Barbie Doll on our roof in California.  I just can't ;-)

7.  Gardening wasn't all that it cracked up to me.  Things were leafy and green, but nothing turned out except for exactly 7 hot peppers.  I think I will muster the motivation to make freezer salsa.  But refer to #4.

8.  Overall, summer has been fun, and it isn't over yet.  We've filled it with visiting friends and family, exploring Dubuque, a lot of swimming, some camping adventures on the way, as well as Adventureland with some family.  That right there is a good summer.

Those are all of my random thoughts.  I think once I get into the swing of my new job and the kids are back in school, I'll get my blogging brain back and think of something more cohesive to write about.  'Til then, thanks for hanging with me :-)

Didn't know I was THAT nerdy...

It hasn't been that awesome acclimating to a new community.  I do like our new home and new town, but with limited social interaction it can get quite lonely when you don't have easy access to your friends.  I've been doing my best to feel comfortable, but I'd say that a feeling of unease and displacement has largely marked these first few weeks here.  

And today, I found the strangest comfort that I think says quite a bit about myself.

I headed out to Panera to work on a few things to prepare for my final upload of my dissertation (we have to electronically upload them by July 19th).  I packed my orange backpack that I've had now for five years, all through my Ph.D. coursework, and then slung it on my back.  The sense of comfort, calm, ease that blanketed me when the backpack hugged my shoulders caught me off guard.  I was like a three-year old that found his long-lost security blanket.  And then I  just couldn't believe it.  Of all things that could've made me feel at-home here....of all of the stuff that was packed in three Uhauls, I had an almost physical comforting reaction to my BACK-PACK.  

I didn't realize that I was that nerdy.  

Now I know.  

Don't worry Michael, I won't bring it to bed with me :-)

Ice Cream Capital of the World

We were in NW Iowa on Aubri's birthday so we went to LeMars--the ice cream capital of the world--to celebrate at the Blue Bunny Ice Cream Shop.  Here are a handful of photos from the party:

Jacob was almost concerned by the size of this  "dirt" sundae.  He loved the gummy worms that came with it...

Sam and Noah shared a banana split.  They were pretty impressed with it's size, though they couldn't finish it. 

Outside the shop.

Kruse kids make pretty good tourists.  They're willing to stand by all kinds of signs and statues for us :-)

Aubri's favorite food :-)  "Just like a mommy" she'd say....

Social Skill Lessons from Aubri

So far Aubri is clearly in first place in the Kruse family in her ability to acquire friends.  In just about every "play" situation we've been in the past two weeks she's walked away with 1-2 new friends.  The only time I watched her be unsuccessful was when she tried to join a group of about 5 10-year old girls in the 3 foot area of the pool (I was standing directly behind her and basically it was her head bobbing up out of the water while she tried to act like she knew what was up with the group by fake laughing when they laughed).

But I have observed her successful attempts which has caused me to re-examine the way that I make friends.  Here are the lessons she's taught me:

1.  Tell random people my name and my age and see what sticks.  Well, to be exact, I'd have to tell them what my age is not.  Here's an example, which could be used at a park, swimming pool, grocery store, pretty much anywhere other humans happen to be:  "I'm Aryn.  (No greeting apparently necessary).  I'm not 32 anymore".  This would be followed by my new friend pausing to check me out and then telling me his/her age, but not their name yet. Apparently age is really the only pre-requisite for friendship.  I did not realize this before.

2.  Twirl.  I've underestimated twirling in the past. After careful observation of my daughter I've decided to buy an adult tu-tu, probably plus-sized for the time being, and twirl.  It's a more complicated process than it sounds.  I need to run up to someone who looks like they have nothing better to do.  Catch their eye, either by an awkward stare or charming smile.  Once I have their eye's attention I need to just twirl to my heart's content.  If they smile, or laugh, I move up to tip #1 and seal the deal on my new friendship.

3.  Chase people.  I've totally under-utilized this tactic up until now.  Aubri, my friendship mentor, has shown me that if you go up to someone and again, either awkward stare or give a charming smile, you might be able to initiate Project Chase a Stranger and Make Them My Friend.  Once you have their attention, make a light squeal.  Not too loud, not too soft.  Then take three or four running steps forward, turn, and glance back at them.  If they don't seem to entertained, twirl to show them just how special you are and just what they might be missing out on if they don't complete this friendship process.  After that twirl, run back to them, lightly tag them, and then run away.  They are sure to follow.

4.  Assure people that I'm potty trained.  Apparently, besides age, this is another helpful pre-requisite to acquiring friends.  So, now I know, that if I really feel stuck in making friends, I need to simply state to them., "I wear underwears now, they have flowers on them."  That way, if they had any doubts at all about being my friend, I probably just erased them with my amazing news.

Those are the four-main steps I've learned thus far for friendship-forming.  Since Aubri is the only one so far to acquire friends, who am I to criticize?  I'll have to see if these apparent fool-proof strategies work....

Greetings from DBQ

The Kruse family has officially migrated to Northeast Iowa.  We've been here for just over a week and the prominent theme seems to be:  Wow.  This is a heck of a lot more overwhelming than I anticipated.  Because we Kruses are used to moving.  We move a lot.  Ask our friends who have helped us move our heavy furniture all too often.  But I didn't anticipate the toll it would take on me to move across the state.

Don't get me wrong.  I think Dubuque is pretty stinkin' awesome and perhaps Iowa's best kept secret. It's even more gorgeous here in the summer than what I thought it was in the winter.  I love the diversity of the architecture, and I love the steep hills, cliffs, and trees that are peppered within the town and on the edges.  I think the evenings and mornings are more crisp than Central Iowa and I'm in LOVE with my back deck (where (I'm writing this now) in the evening.  

But I'm also homesick.  I'm homesick for Ames, which feels like it is laid out more on a grid and I don't get lost every day.  I miss my friends.  And even if days and weeks past between visits with my friends in Ames, I didn't realize how even proximity can make you feel closer to someone.  We've been gone a week and I feel so distant.  Of course that could also be in direct relation to my extended-Facebook fast that I've got going as well.  But I think Facebook would make me even more homesick, truly.  

I've been striving in the past week to set some things up that would make me feel more like I'm making a home here and less like I'm on a strange vacation.  Here's what I've done so far:

1.  Shop at Hy-Vee, Wal-Mart, Fareway, Aldi's....in other words, shop where the inside of the store doesn't feel so strange.  I've tried to explore new territory as well.  Between Kennedy Mall, Asbury Plaza, and all of the other businesses in the area I can't think of much that I'm really "missing"  (other than The Cafe in Ames.  Love that place.  Oh, and a drive-through Starbucks.  That's been an adjustment, but probably a positive one for my bank account.  

2.  Morning walks.  Sam and I get up each morning at about 6 a.m. and go for a 30 minute walk together.  Not only is it a healthy start to our day, but it's time that I prize with just him.  Not much could make me more eager to get out of bed at 6 a.m. than imagining the genuine smile on his face when I brush his cheek in the morning to wake him up for our walks.  

3.  Pool passes.  Pretty awesome deal, and a pretty easy way to spend my afternoon.  We have options to go to two nice city pools, passes for the entire family only cost $94 dollars.  Sam and Noah spent their first day climbing up the steep stairs to two water slides that dump them into a 3-foot pool of water.  They did this for two straight hours.  They were exhausted at night and fell asleep pretty quick.

4.  Speaking of sleeping, it's been an adjustment to have all three of our boys share a small bedroom.  It looks more like summer camp or military barraks in their bedroom than an actual bedroom, but they don't seem to mind.  To get them to sleep at night I've been reading to them every night until they fall asleep.  I love this time with them.  I love watching them drift off to sleep and I love that they love that time as well.  

5.  Planting.  My mom came last weekend to visit (hooray!) and we planted a few things.  Most things were better planted in pots (there seems to be a lot of rocks in our garden areas and not much soil), but still, it was nice to bring some new life around our new house.  We planted a variety of flowers in the front in pots, placed some potted roses in the ground, planted some zuchnii in our back yard along with some "flower rockets" (probably a scam but they were cheap), a couple of strawberry plants that probably won't survive, and some peppers and tomatoes in topsy turveys that I hope turn out well so that I can make salsa and spaghetti sauce.  I also have some herbs I'd like to get planted this week.  I'm not a green thumb so we'll see how this all goes...

6.  Exploring.  I've been trying to be good natured about how many times I get lost.  (Really, these streets don't make much sense) and I've decided to think of it as exploring.  So far we've found what I think is a monastary, a beautiful (and free) arboretum and gardens owned by the city, and a bunch of neighborhoods that I don't think I could find again if I tried.  I've done some on-purpose exploring as well.  We've found some parks, Sam loves it if I cross the bridge over to Wisconsin or Illinois for fun (he thinks going to different states is a big deal), went to Galena with mom (LOVE it) and also explored Eagle Point Park (again, LOVE it, and a pretty amazing view of the Mississippi.  I'm overly impressed with Dubuque's parks system.  God created all that they're preserving and showing off, but I'm proud of them for being so caring of their parks and making them affordable and accessible.  

Well, that's all I can think of now. Except I do want to say that today I got a really pretty stamper in the mail with my new address on it and I don't know who sent it to me.  SO, if you sent it to me, THANKS!  I love it.  In a week or so I'm going to dig out my Cricut and make thank-yous that are past-due from my graduation party and also make some stationary so I can get into some snail-mailing.  I'm excited to use my new stamper in these efforts!!   A lot has happened in just one week.  Below I'm posting a few pictures of our new digs. 

Our back yard and new deck.  Michael is the super mower.  I don't have a good picture of our hill in our back yard
but props to him for having to mow it all summer.  

Front of house before I did any planting.  

The pots mom and I planted, the other plants (which aren't doing so hot) were planted prior to our moving in.  

One of the pots.  This was the first time I actually planted something this way.  It was pretty fun, I hope they don't die...

The roses.  They probably won't grow very big or super well because we had to leave them in the pots.  The ground was too rocky, not much soil in there.....

This area was overgrown.  I actually didn't know there were tiers back there.  Michael and took out what was growing back there and I'm attempting to grow zucchini (random, I know) and some flowers.  I didn't take a close up because I didn't feel like climbing the steep incline to get to it...

My topsy turveys are hanging from the deck..  I planted tomatoes and salsa peppers.  

Those crazy Kruse Kids

These past few weeks with Michael moving to Dubuque to start his job and me staying home for the summer has left me a lot of time with the kids.  A lot.  Of concentrated time.

Some days I am quite literally pulling out my hair and staring at the calendar.  Summer break is HOW LONG??  Seriously?  I feel like kids should be in school for longer than 180 of 365 days of the year.  My friend Dee made a statement that she felt like she was the only one not thrilled that school was out.  Dee, you're not the only one.  And I'm not afraid to admit it.  :-)

But I have to say, the kids have also been quite endearing these past few weeks.  Here are some highlights:

Samuel:  We went to my parents this past week.  Mommy needed some adult time in the evenings, and it turns out my mom was taking vacation days.  Ready or not Whitvers, here we come.  Or went.  The first night I had Sam and Jacob rest on the guest bed watching cartoons, hoping they'd fall asleep.  Sam is a lounger.  Always has been.  Someday when I get my pictures all in one electronic spot, I'll post some Sam baby-lounger pics.  Anyway, it's important to know this so that you can picture his affect.  While settling in, Sam took a big gulp from a cup of water on the nightstand and then nestled into the bed with his hands rested behind his head.  Jacob asked him, "What are you doing?  And Samuel, sighed, and in his most relaxed beach-bum voice replied, "Just livin' my life".  Followed by another sigh.  I wish I could go into relaxation mode that quickly.

Noah:  Noah's been pretty even-keel these past few weeks.  Probably my most laid back.  I won't lie, the Wii has replaced his Dad's presence in the house and the poor child will go into shock once we move to Dubuque and gets in his mom's never-a-dull-moment routine, but for now, he's just chilling and enjoying his video games. We've been traveling a lot lately and he's obsessed with the "number of towns" between point A and point B.  When it's 4 or less he says "That's easy".  Anything above that he resists and tells us "That takes too long."  Noah is my Matthew McConaughy baby.  In the summer he tans golden and his wavy curls get streaks of bleach blonde while maintaining honey undertones.  He's got one dimple larger than the other and has the ability to charm anyone if he put his mind to it.

Jacob:  Jacob cracks me up daily, I can barely keep up with him.  In fact, sometimes I think I don't tell his quotes as often because I'm never really caught off guard by him anymore.  I pretty much expect it.  This past weekend though, he did catch me.  We were at Michael's Dad's church.  The kids are pretty used to being in a children's church or nursery program during the service, so when the offering plate was past around, Jacob found the idea quite foreign.  Michael gave him a folded up wad of bills to put in the tray and Jacob graciously picked out one of the bills to put in and was going to keep the rest as his own.  Michael tried to explain that it was for the church.  Jacob looked confused.  Michael told him, "The money is for Jesus".  Jacob, still looked confused.  He pointed at the pastor who was wearing full-robe attire and said, quite loudly, "Who?  THAT guy?".  I'm sorry folks.  I don't care how quiet it is in church, that's funny stuff right there.

Aubri:  My little dancing princess just turned three.  She says three and holds up five fingers.  Heaven help the person who tries to tell her otherwise.  She thinks it's great that you are three with three fingers but she is three with FIVE fingers.  "Like THIS" she says and forcefully shoves her open-hand up in the air.  Look, who am I to argue.  Math is not my strong point and right now 5 fingers is her 3.  More power to her.  She also was intrigued with being in the church service last Sunday.  I thought she did pretty well.  She lap-hopped quite a bit between family members, but overall she did pretty well.  She tried to read when the congregation was reading.  Only she chanted, "I love mommy.  I love daddy.  I love mommy.  I love daddy."  I love the words she "reads".  At the end of the service the pastor prayed a benediction, at the conclusion Aubri responded, "Oh-men.  Yay!  We did it!"  Again, another Kruse Kid who lacks an inside voice.  And again, another moment where I perhaps should be more mature and not laugh, but these kids are funny.  

No, public, I did not crap my pants.

Yesterday morning was no good.  That's really the best way I can describe it.  I am not a morning person.  In fact, I dream a world that is absolutely silent until noon.  I long for days when I have teenagers that sleep until 1 p.m. on a Saturday.  And if they don't, I have no reservations regarding cash incentives.  

So, yesterday morning started out with the usual demands and/or somewhat annoying proclamations:

I want waffles.

I don't like cereal.

I want more waffles.

My teacher says I need to eat a bigger breakfast.

I can't find my shoes.

I left Batman outside, I need to find him now.

My diaper is wet.  I can't like underwears.

My dress not twirl big enough.

Today's my field trip, I need a sack lunch.  I HAVE to have a disposable water bottle.

I can't find my glasses.  I think I left them in the yard.  Nope.  Here they are.  

And then it was 6:05 a.m.  It was a morning where I felt like no one was listening to me, the scale tipped up yet another number, and the walls of my house seemed to have moved in another 10 feet as the disarray of half-packed boxes continue to mock me.  

I pictured McDonald's in my mind.  I pictured the drive-through, I pictured me ignoring the annoying lady at the first window who can't help but to scream "Good Morning, Beautiful!", and I pictured myself driving up to the second window retrieving the breakfast burrito that my mind was lusting for.  

But, no.  I told myself "no".  I've been doing an awesome job with juicing in the morning.  I wasn't going to make a choice I knew was only a reaction to my stress, I was going to continue on with the pattern that I was beginning to not only enjoy, but crave.  So I made myself cut my apples, broccoli, kale, grapefruit and I juiced it all up for my morning boost.  I then did my ritual of putting ice in it and setting it aside to cool while I cleaned my juicer and loaded my dishwasher.  The blade-cup in my juicer was a little stuck and so I tried to pry it out.  I then watched as my juicer slipped out of my hands, knocking my 24 oz cup of green juice all over my counter.  All.  Over. Green down my white cabinets.  Green inside the dishwasher.  A thick puddle covering the counter tops and the floor.  What was only 24 oz seemed to have multiplied into a gallon.  

My daughter watched the whole thing.  I'm pretttttty sure I didn't drop any words beginning with the letter "f" or "s", but I was clearly upset.  Aubri asked, "Are you happy, Mom?" and in my low-I-must-be-on-the-verge-of-insanity voice I replied.  "No.  Mommy.  Is.  Sad.".  She could sense the tension in the air and her 3-year old body slinked backwards into the living room to watch one of her cartoons. 

I then went through an entire roll of paper towels wiping down my kitchen.  When it was nearly clean Aubri came back and offered the only consolation she thought was guaranteed and scientifically proven:  "Mommy, do you want a band-aid?".  

Later on in the morning, I was feeling better.  I avoided McDonald's and settled on a baggie full of grapes while I taxied the kids around to their respective stomping grounds.  I was going to have a few hours to myself that day, and I was looking forward to going to Books A Million to get lost in the shelves of facts and adventures that have always offered me comfort.  

I got out of my van and started trodding into the store when I looked down at my leg.  I was wearing capri pants and thick line of dried, dark green juice ran from the bottom of my capris to the top of my shoes.  I began to highly doubt that the average shopper wondered if that was home-made juice that I had spilled and was appearing to literally run out of my pants.  

Sigh.  That was the cherry on top of my morning.  And no, public, I did not crap my pants.  

I scraped what I could off and went into the bookstore anyway.  

Where my heart is today.

Often times, before I post something I have a general sense of the path that my post will take.  I know the overall shape my writing will take, what my goal (no matter how shallow or stretched it may seem) is.  So I'd like to say up front that I really don't know what shape this will take.....so we shall see....

Last January I woke up on a Saturday morning in the Hotel Julien in Dubuque, Iowa with a sense of peace in my heart that knew could only come from God.  I had sensed the day before that I felt "right" on the Loras College campus, and the feeling I had when I woke up in the morning only confirmed the previous day's "huntch".  I knew when I woke up that Saturday that if Loras offered me a job that I would take it.  In fact, after I was offered the job I was so confident in my decision that I called another college and cancelled an interview that I had scheduled with them.  I knew that it would be a waste of my time.  I knew my decision was the right one.  

The months following made it clear that my decision was making sense.  Michael easily found a job.  We easily found a comfortable place to rent, in an area of town that we can feel "at home" in, and childcare fell in place in a matter of two phone calls.  I know that God opens doors.  But I felt like in this case he's bulldozed an entire wall and paved a way in.  

And sometimes I question why.  It was already amazing that He blessed me so quickly with a job.  The cherry on top was that Michael found a job quickly as well.  But all of the other details?  Why so gracious?  I've been racking my mind for answers over and over these past few weeks.  Why?  Why is this happening so easily?  

My knee jerk reaction was that perhaps He has big plans for me at Loras and he's paving the way for me to fulfill those plans.  But then I got out of my own selfish head and realized it might not be me at all.  Perhaps it's Michael, or our role at our new church.  Or perhaps it's one of our children.  Perhaps they are meant to experience something in Dubuque that molds them into His plan.  Or maybe all of the above.  Or maybe I'm over thinking this and maybe He is a loving and gracious God that has been showing me this whole time that He's got my back if I just relax and let Him.  It's all so much to take in.  

And I know in my heart of hearts that we are doing what we should be doing.  And the doors to Dubuque couldn't be wider.  

So why do I hurt so badly sometimes thinking about leaving?  Why do I feel so much pain when I say good-bye to my friends?  And why do I build up walls around me hoping that if some of them feel less of a connection with me, then perhaps the goodbye will be easier.  Why do I feel homesick and I haven't even left?

I'm finding comfort into digging into my "new life".  I order travel brochures for NE Iowa, Wisconsin, and Illinois.  I've tattooed the Loras website in my brain so that it feels like home.  I've signed the children up for sports and activities over the summer to jump us into our new community.  I haven't made sense of my information digging obsession, but I know it makes me feel safe.

I also find comfort in remembering that one of the cherished years in my marriage was when Michael and I moved to Joplin for year.  We didn't know anyone.  We didn't know the town.  And by the year's end we made friends that still warm my heart when I think of their generosity, compassion, humor.....lives that touched us that wouldn't have if we hadn't taken the risk. 

That's just where I'm going to have leave this blog tonight.  Ending it on the confusion that I feel like I face daily.  Waves of sadness. Waves of excitement.  Waves of mourning and waves of exhilaration.  All wrapped into a whirlwind of possibility.  

Juice Fast Day 3: Fail. Erik, you win.

I started out my day good.  I made probably the tastiest juice I've made yet.  And I had LOTS of energy.  The difference was, this was my first day back to "normal"...back to getting the kids off to school, and then working all day.  I had a juice for lunch and then another at 3 p.m., but by the end of the day my brain was in such a fog that I felt like I was doped up.  SO.  I broke my fast.  I hate some "Food should taste this good" organic crackers (which, by the way, I love).  I made the decision that I am going to change my plan now.  I'm going to not go the 10 days. (Fail.  I know.).  I made the decision that I am going to juice for 1-2 times a day, twice being the goal, and eat one healthy meal a day where I really concentrate on making it as healthy as possible. 

Erik, my big bro, has also suggested that you have one day a week where you don't worry at all about what you're eating....that you bascially have the day off.  I'm considering this, not sure yet what I think about it.  But I have heard that people who do this do better in the long run. 

So, I failed, but that's okay.  I don't start things knowing that I will succeed.  I start things with the attitude of "you never know until you try".  I find this position in life gets me fails, but it also gives me experiences I would have never gotten if I didn't give it a shot. 

So, now that I'm moving to only juicing 1-2 times I day I won't saturate my blog with this anymore.  But have no fear, I will let you know about what bandwagon I jump on next, because there are bound to be plenty.

Juice Fast Day 2: Doing surprisingly well....

Day 2 of the juice fast went better than I thought.  I thought for sure I would struggle with low-blood sugar and thus have to give it up. But it never happened!  It makes me think my body is liking this surge of micro-nutrients. Also makes me wonder just how much "added sugar" has been in my diet and has wreaked such havoc on my blood sugar balance.  I did wake up grumpy and with a headache.  Michael let me take a nap after church, but after that I felt pretty good and even suggested that we take the kids bowling.  If every day were like today, I think I could make it all 10 days.  Around day 6 I need to come up with my post-fast plan of how to get solids back into my diet while maintaining these micro-nutrients.....

It takes about a 2 qt bowl of produce...

Michael doesn't drink it but he seems to like watching the produce
get destroyed....I think he would be a good wood chopper guy...

Shooting out the green stuff....

The final product!

Juice Fast Day 1: Pretty much starting strong...

I definitely felt highly motivated when I woke up this a.m.  My awesome husband let me sleep in late and then I drank the juice that I made from my "practice run" yesterday.  Then I made more juice for the day...same ingredients as yesterday, spinach, kale, apples, carrots, celery. I was happy to get a text from my brother with a picture of his 2 qt bowl full of veggies, ready to be juiced.

After cleaning the kitchen I decided I needed to figure out the cheapest way to do this.  Organic produce isn't in our budget, though I will be glad when I can go to farmer's markets this summer.   A couple of friends had suggested Aldi.  While I was skeptical of the quality of their produce in the past, I was ready to take the challenge.  I got three big bags full of produce, all that looked great:  strawberries, blue berries, apples, oranges, bananas, a pineapple, lemons, broccoli, tomatoes, celery, carrots....all for a total of $30.  I was amazed.  I'm pretty sure I would've paid double at the store I usually shop at.  I then went to Walmart to pick up some spinach (I forgot at Aldi) and some Naked Juice to supplement for when I'm in a hurry or need to add a little more to my glass.

My second glass of the green stuff wasn't so awesome.  It tasted fine, but I was already getting tired of the flavor.  I had to alternate it with sips of herbal tea.

I decided I didn't want another green glass today so later on I juiced carrots and tomatoes, mixed in chili powder and black pepper and heated in the micro.  I know it's not optimal that I heat it in the microwave, but I needed a little variety.

I was worried how I would feel with my blood sugar today, I tend to run on the low-blood sugar side of life.  But, I haven't struggled with that at all today.  Maybe tomorrow will be bad for that.  I was hungry.  My stomach growled.  And then I realized that I don't remember the last time my stomach growled and thought maybe that was a little sad.

I think tonight I am going to re-watch Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dad to keep me motivated for days 2 & 3, which I hear can be the worst.....

Tomorrow I'll try to post some pics of my juicing experience.

And, now to confess.  I did eat 3 jelly beans.

Signing off until tomorrow.

Drinking Green: Preparing for my first day of my juice fast.

I feel like I've been in some sort of post-dissertation slup (PDS, if you will).  Now that I've come up out of exhausted fog I've been in for....well, I don't know how long....I can clearly see some of the "damage" I've done.  My house is....not so much dirty....as grimy....layers of dust, laundry, etc. haunt me as I walk the halls of my cluttered home.  The worst damage I see is around my middle and my hips.  I've been so uncomfortable in my skin the last couple of weeks....in the course of the last 18 months (preliminary exams until now) I've put on a whopping 40 pounds.  (They should have a warning:  Graduate school will be hazardous to your health).

Last week at the church we checked out in Dubuque the pastor spoke about what is "toxic" in our lives.  Of course his focus was on what is spiritually toxic, but it also made me think of toxins more wholistically...to my spirit...mind...and body.  On that day I resolved to figure out what was toxic to me spiritually.  And coincidentally, a conversation with my brother a couple of days ago helped me figure out how to address my toxic body.

He suggested that I watch the documentary, "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" on Netflix.  I did, and like probably a lot of viewers, I decided that I would jump on the bandwagon of juicing.  My big bro is also going to start, which I'm thankful for because I'll have some to text.

I'm going to start with a 10-day juice fast and then re-assess.  10-days of juice that I make directly from my juice maker.  I'll by the produce.  I'll stuff in in my juicer, which seems to have a motor that could possibly power a small helicopter, and then down the hatch it will go.  I'll buy some pre-made organic juice blends (such as Naked Juice) for times when I am on the road for work, but I'll try to make bottles in "bulk" for myself as well.

This morning I did a test run, I dusted off the Copter (my new name for my juicer), filled a 2 quart bowl full of spinach, kale, carrots, celery, and apples.  That large bowl made exactly 1 glass of dark green liquid.  And....it tastes just fine!  My kids and Michael wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot pole, but it was pretty good. And easy to make.  The juicer is a hassle to clean, but not so bad.

So, tomorrow I'll start the 10-day juice fast full-fledged.  I'll take a "before" picture, and then after a summer filled of juice-fasts and a focus on micro-nutrients and exercise I'll take an after picture.

But more than just my weight, I hope to see;

My acid reflux eliminated
My back pain in control
More energy
My post-dissertation slump (PDS ;-)  completely gone

I plan on blogging these first 10 days of the rigid fast, and then after that I'll give updates.....

Anyone else a juicer or former juicer?  Any recipes to share?  

Denver is Contagious

I've spent this past week in Denver, Colorado going to my profesional organization's annual convention (Council for Exceptional Children).  Along with 5,000+ other participants I spent the week being inspired by wisdom of leaders in my field.  And while I still have much to digest from this opportunity, my greatest "learnings" don't come from the convention, but from "life".   These lessons revolve around being contagious.  Don't worry, I'm not coming back to Iowa ready to spread yet another gross stomache virus :-)  But contagious attitudes, and contagious "ways of being".

First, know that I love the Denver airport.  Shopping, resteraunts, and other stuff make it rival most malls from my beloved home state.  The little tram that takes you to the parts of the airport plays nice music when stopping and going (rather than a blaring warning) and the voice-over announcements make you feel at-ease.  These, were just really the basics of why I loved it :-) 

The best part was witnessing how contagious a positive attitude and demeanor can effect an entire crowd.  There was a huge line to the "Super Shuttle" check-in desk.  Apparently this line was not forming in the direction that was optimal to airport functioning because the security gaurd made it his task to move the entire line in the opposite direction.  I watched how he, very effectively moved the crowd.  He started at the back of the line.  He told them that he was needing to move the line and he pointed to the area where the new line would be forming.  But then he said in a rather happy yet directive manner, "Just wait!  Don't go yet, I need to tell those folks what we'll be doing (pointing to the front of the line) and then you can follow them."  He was polite.  He was clear.  I then watched as he pleasently told the front of the line what to do and sure enough they began to merge into the other direction and slowly but surely the back of the line followed.  He then made a point to go to various parts of the line and say, "Thank  you!  You're wonderful!  But you already know that!" and other similar and encouraging phrases.  I looked around me to find the majority of people watching him, smiling, and even chuckling. 

I realize that this is very simple.  Moving a line from one spot to the next.  But it could have gone very differently.  The man could have been upset that the line was not orignially conforming to where he thought it should be.  He could have been rude, herding the line abruptly to where it needed to be.  He didn't have to say thank you, and he certainly didn't need to tell us we were wonderful.  What would have the crowd look like then?  At the very least, apathetic.  But probably you'd see faces of frustration (we just got off long flights afterall), annoyance, and inconvienience.  But just the opposite occured.  Just by being positive he not only moved a line, but he put smiles on faces and a chuckle or two in hearts.  Being positive is certainly contagious, even in places you don't expect it. 

I also can't speak of Denver without mentioning my family members who live here and graciously host their out-of-state family.  On Wednesday I got to eat dinner with my Aunt Shirley and cousin, Jared, and on Thursday, I got to hang out again with my cousin Jared.  As I write this blog I expect to get a text from my Aunt Shirley about another opportunity for us to get together again today.  And this is not uncommon to other visits to Denver.  I am amazed how they self-lessly arrange their time and schedules to spend time with me and my other family members.  They make family relationships a priority, and this has been so for as long as I can remember.  That value is also contagious.  It makes me want to be a better family member.  Who they are is also very contagious. 

Aunt Shirley is one of the most generous and kind-hearted people that I know.  She's very in tune to the needs of those around her and she goes out of her way to help people feel comfortable and valued.  Though I haven't had a chance to see him in person on this trip, I can't think of Denver without thinking of my Uncle Tom. Probably unbeknownst to him, I've observed him quite often the past few years and have been amazed by his kind heart as well, his strong sense of integrity, and gentle leadership.  Aunt Shirley and Uncle Tom are contagious.  They make me want to be a better me. 

My cousins are also amazing.  I got to spend a few hours with my cousin Jared this week.  Like his parents and his sister, Jared is also very generous and self-less.  But he's also HILARIOUS.  Now, I think I'm pretty funny.  But he really makes me look lame in comparison.  And he can also talk to just about anybody.  I'd be shocked actually if I ever saw him in a situation where he felt awkward talking to someone.  Or atleast displayed any signs of awkwardness.  His humor and spirit are contagious.  Jenny, who I didn't get to see because she is in Russia, has many special gifts....gifts of empathy and caring....gifts of listening and loving. 

I bring all of these things up today....the airport experiences..the experiences with my family...because I really am intrigued with the notion that the way we are...our demeanor, how we treat others...is really, very contagious.  We have the power, as human beings, to make others upset, frustrated, or angry...or we have the power to make others happy, comfortable...even inspired.  Which brings me to an uncomfortable self-reflection.  How am I being contagious?  I'd like to say all positive ways, but I know that is not true.   But that is something to look forward to....ever-growing, ever-changing. 

On becoming a Centenarian......

Sam and I have had many "makes me giggle" conversations lately.  Here's the one from this morning:

Sam:  How long is a century?

Me:  100 years.

Sam:  Woah!!  I've never seen a century.  YOU'VE never seen a century.  

Me:  Nope.  Do you know what you call someone who lives to be a 100 and older?

Sam:  No, what?

Me:  A centenarian.

Sam:  Are you going to be a centenarian?

Me:  Mmmmmmmmm, probably not.

Sam:  Why?

Me:  I'm not very healthy.

Sam:  Am I going to be centenarian?

Me: grimace

Sam:  THERE'S STILL A CHANCE!!!!!



We'll see now if this conversation has any effect on his french fry consumption......  :-)

I love that kid.  

Spread the Word.....

March 7th is "Spread the Word to End the Word" Day.  It's a campaign through r-word.org and Special Olympics to pass along the idea that using the "r" word, a word used in a derogatory manner to describe a person as having a cognitive disability or difference.  Once upon a time, this wasn't a"derogatory" word.  It was used scientifically to describe the IQ levels of individuals with disabilities in both diagnosis and treatment.  However, since then, it's been used to describe typical individuals or situations that are seen negatively, i.e.  "He's r%*$&*, or That's r*$&@)" .  Usually people don't say it realizing how offensive it is, but it's extremely offensive.  And it has to stop.  

Now.  And with us.  

It's a word that is never used in my house, and any of my friends who drop it when they are guests in my house are not surprised when I say, "that word isn't used here".  I love my friends, and I know they didn't intentionally say that to put down individuals with cognitive disabilities and delays.  They were trying to put down whatever subject they were talking about.  But the problem lies in using any population (including race, ethnicity, gender, ability, etc.) as a "Slam".  Particularly a population that is historically silenced and marginalized.  

I will probably go onto my death bed proclaiming what I believe to be so true and often not recognized, "Rights for persons who disabled and their families, are civil rights."    Advancement in these rights have come a long way since the 70s, and I'm so proud to know some individuals who were on the front-lines during these times who were forging the way for the rights of my own child today.  But we have so far to go.  And there is something that everyone can do about it.  

While there are things that we can't influence in the short term, we can influence our own self.  We can begin to respect ALL individuals.  We can take words, like the "r" word, out of our vocabulary.  Because I  have a naive faith in human-kind, that when they say things like that...that it's not what they mean to say.  But it's so hurtful.  So, on March 7th, please consider advocating for respect for all.  Go to www.r-word.org to take the pledge to "spread the word to end the word".  

Journey with Health (not a journey TO health)

 I lost 6 pounds in the month of January.  I could have tried harder, but at the end of the month, I was lighter.  Two weeks later.....I've gained all but 1 of those pounds back.

Part of me wants to shake my fists in the air and say, "Whyyyyyy?  Give me a break!!!" But, doing so would be ignoring the fact that this didn't just happen to me.  I wasn't sitting on my couch and out of nowhere 5 pounds bombarded my body against my will.  I did it to myself.  

And I keep saying, I've got to figure this out, I've got to figure this out.  But then I roll my eyes.  At myself.  (Yes, I'm perfectly capable of having frustrating conversations with  myself, which includes dramatic and frustrated body language.)  I roll my eyes because it's really not a secret.  Eat less.  Exercise more.  Take in less calories than you consume and you will have a deficit that creates weight loss.  

So, what in the world is the hang up?  I'm sure it's not as easy as I tell myself it should be.  According to one probably unreliable internet source, the diet industry makes 40 billion dollars a year.  This makes me think that I'm not the only one who struggles with this "hang up".  

I read a quote today, that I think can help me:  "You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be."  (David Viscott)

I really think that might be it!  For so long I've been telling myself that I won't be "thin", "healthy", "athletic", even, "pretty" or "beautiful" until I've reached my goal weight.  I felt I couldn't identify with any of those descriptions until I was wearing a jeans size I thought was acceptable.    Even at my most healthy weight I had felt like I was just a fat person deceiving everyone into thinking I was thinner.  It's terrible to live in that place in my head.    Last summer I did a 5K and really, really enjoyed it.  Shortly thereafter I ruptured a disc in my back.  I felt like I was proving to myself that I wasn't the athlete that I was trying so hard to become.

So, I need to stop that.  I need to think of myself as being the person that I want to be...because, after all, I am that person.  I enjoy exercising, sweating, and feeling strong.  I enjoy making healthy choices, and feeling good about myself.    I am going to be the person I want to be.  I'm not going to wait any longer.  I am Healthy.  Fit.  Happy.

I hope to post every once in awhile about how this journey is going.  Feel free to let me know your own thoughts and victories.  Also, if any of you do My Fitness Pal, feel free to friend me, my username is WifeyDeMichael.

Signing off for now....

New Beginnings

So far 2012 has been marked with big changes on the horizon for the Kruse family.  And it's only February.  But the changes are exciting and full of new beginnings, but unfortunately some "catch ya later"s as well.

Today I received a contract to teach next Fall in the Education Division at Loras College in Dubuque. When August 20th comes I should be Assistant Professor of Education.  :-)  

This move for our family will obviously be marked with big changes for our family.  New town.  New church. New schools. New faces. Not to mention being in the depths of  Hawkeye country.   And though I thrive on change, I'd be hard pressed to say that I'm not also feeling some anxiety for all that needs to come together (Michael needs a job!) and sadness in leaving the town I've come to love these past 15 years (Ames), and the convenience of having some of my closest friends and family near me that I'm sure I've taken for granted.  

I think I'm most sad about Michael leaving his job.  He's come to really respect, appreciate, and I hate to say it out loud for fear of talks of "Bro-mance", but love his coworkers.  He really does work with some really friendly and supportive people.  

I will also miss my coworkers.  I've been impressed with some of the people I work closest with at the Dept. of Ed and our partnering agencies.  Being in an environment that even if you do not see eye to eye on every little matter or issue, but knowing that everyone around you has a deeply rooted passion for Early Childhood Education and Early Intervention has been rewarding.  

Though deep reflection of our changes causes a bit of anxiety, sprinkled with sadness, we are truly excited for our next adventure.  I'm looking forward to curving my career in the direction I've been working forward to these past few years while completing my doctoral program.  I'm looking forward to creating neat relationships and getting to know my future students.  I'm looking forward to discovering Dubuque and Eastern Iowa.

The kids don't quite understand it all, but Sam is excited to be moving to the Mississippi River and very excited to see the Duhawks play (The Duhawk is the Loras mascot).  

My last day at my job will be May 11th, our lease in Ames is up June 23.....so, sometime in the early summer we're going to be moving (though Michael and I may have to live apart for a couple of months).  Otherwise we'll live in Chris and Di Sheldon's basement ;-)  

I will never do that. Well. Maybe just this once.

Some of my blog readers may be a bit surprised to learn that I lean a bit on the dramatic side of life.  Who am I kidding.  If you already didn't know that, perhaps we should spend a day together and then you can reassess my personality :-)  I feel.  That's the best way to describe myself.  I feel....deeply.  I think we all "feel" on some sort of continuum....my emotions just tend to land on the the more intense side of the continuum.  With this personality characteristic comes strong statements, positions, and declarations.  BUT, another part of my personality is in direct conflict with these statements.  The spontaneous and open-minded side of me.  Which makes me more likely, in action, to be more like "I will NEVER go there.  Unless you can make a partially-logical case, and then, maybe..probably... I can give it a shot". 

A classic example of this happened tonight.  We had our date night (wooohoo!) tonight.  First we at ate the new Noodles & Company in town.  Two doors down from our new Noodles & Company is our town's new Aspen Leaf Frozen Yogurt establishment.  Going into Noodles & Company I was making statements such as, "I am never going to eat at Aspen Leaf.  I am going to be loyal to Orange Leaf because they were here first.  And what town needs two self-serve frozen-yogurt places?  And why in the world do they both have the word "leaf" in them....isn't that a little fishy?!"  (I, of course, could look this up on Google but then that would stop the Seinfeldian self-talk and that's just not fun). 

Fast forward 45 minutes later.  We're leaving Noodles & Company and I make the statement, "Well, we could just try it.......see what it's like".  My "boy-cott" turned into "boy-that-sounds-good-right-now".   Of course though, upon leaving Aspen Leaf I did make the statement to Michael that I liked Orange Leaf better (what, with there funky cool chairs and all) and will continue to pledge my alliegence to them.  Michael of course chuckled because he knew that I would keep that loyalty until the next time we ate at Noodles and Company.  Sometimes my loyalty is a matter of convenience.....

Speaking of convenience...this reminds me of a time I rallied a handful of friends to boycott our dorm's convenience store at Iowa State because they sent me a rejection letter for a cashier job I applied for.  (I think it was called the "December 12th Movement--People Against the C-Store").  Which, my friends remained loyal to.  Until they saw me coming out of the aforementioned evil store with an orange juice and a pack of gum.  Hey, a gal needs an orange juice from time to time.  And the store is right there. 

Some might say it's a fault that I am like that, and to those people I say, fine.  We don't have to be friends, ever again.  Well, maybe we can still be friends.  Probably will be.  Okay, we can be best friends. 

Why I'm jealous of THAT guy.......

Today while driving in my super cool gold van I spotted a guy jogging in jeans.  I looked behind him in anticipation of a masked man chasing him with a gun and much to my non-amazement there wasn't anyone chasing him.  The man was simply out for a jog wearing a pair of jeans.  My first thought was, "Hmm....I wonder what sort of chaffing goes along with such a practice."   I just thought it was funny, the thought of wearing jeans while jogging.  

And then I turned jealous.  Jealous because I would never wear jeans jogging.  I would be afraid that an early-thirties mom of four driving her golden van would spot me and laugh.  I would be afraid that I would look like a "dork" in the eyes of the "serious" joggers in the community. Because, I mean, I doooo look like a marathoner in all other aspects.  And that makes me a little ashamed of myself and a bit jealous of the man who prides his own health and who is comfortable with who he is.  How much money have I spent on fitness attire in the last 15 years?  Enough for probably a down payment on a lake-side cabin.  And why do I buy it?   A). Perhaps to fool those around me into not recognizing my chubby body because the Nike swish sign across my chest proves that I am a bonafide athlete.  OR B).  Maybe I buy it so that after I eat at my favorite Chinese restaurant I can come home and put on something that has elastic around the waist.  I probably buy the clothes for A and the reality of the situation of B.  

I've strayed a bit from my topic.  

I am jealous of that guy and maybe I could be a little more like him.  Maybe I can be learn to be secure enough in myself to not care what people think if I don't wear athletic clothing while exercising (really, how shallow am I to even have this as a blog topic?).  I mean, really.  I rarely wear aprons in the kitchen or lingerie in the bedroom so I'm practically half way there.  (This is where we insert Michael's voice saying, "Geeeeez, Aryn, can't you keep anything to yourself?!?!?").  No, Michael, I can't :-).  Actually....that gives me an idea....I currently wear jogging pants in the bedroom so........ that means I could wear my ...lingerie... while exercising?  I've officially gone over the appropriate line so I will sign off for now.  

Catch you later.  And wear jeans while jogging just to see what it's like and let me know how it feels.