Orange You Glad: A Life Worth Laughing: I'm overdue for creating a binder.....

We all have quirky comfort items. (I say "we all" in hopes that I'm not too strange).

I've written in the past about the comfort of my backpack. Now for another odd item....binders.

When I think about anytime I've had to start a big project, I've always created a binder. A new project at work? Binder. My dissertation? Three-ring glory. Keeping track of Noah's medical issues, education, and progress? You've guessed it--binder.

I feel like I've come to another intersection in my life where I need to create a binder to get through. I met with my new physical therapist today and she gave me to do's and not to do's. I started the appointment in tears...well, some laughter and then tears.

PT assistant: "Do you have any loss of bladder or bowel control."

Me: "Not yet."

laughter--she liked my use of the term "yet".

PT assistant: "Have you had any unexplained and sudden weight loss?"

Me: "I wish."

laughter---I really am a funny person.

PT assistant: "What's your goal for PT?"

Me: "To be 34 years old."

Tears. I can't handle this. There are days when I can't throw a piece of garbage in the trash can with out a back spasm taking my breath away. Excruciating pain overwhelms my right leg all too often. How could I ever do the things normally again...and pain free?

But that was not the tone of the appointment.

The PT came in and she began helping me know what to do and what not to do. She explained the neuroscience behind my pain. She explained how some of the things I was doing that I thought was helping were actually creating some barriers to my progress (like walking 10,000 steps a day). She said she could tell that I was really smart and she talked to me like I was intelligent and in-control of some of my own progress. She didn't mention using narcotics to manage my pain. She didn't mention cutting me open in 6 months. I think I may begin trusting her.

Am I skeptical? Yes. The damage in tissues/nerve, disc space is not pretty. It's also confusing to hear conflicting messages between your surgeon and your PT. Will I still have spinal fusion surgery in the next year or so? I don't know. And not knowing is frustrating and scary. A lot is out of my hands. A lot is in the loyal and faithful hands of my Creator. But some things I can control.

So I created a binder. My 34-year old version of a security blanket.

I'm tracking my daily PT exercises, the new "habits" I'm supposed to be forming, my weight, my medication intake....all of this over the next several weeks. I'm hoping that this will not only hold me accountable but help me see the small increments of progress over time. Will my weight drop if I pay attention? Will I feel better at the end of the day if I've attended to my sitting posture? Will my exercises increase in complexity over the course of several weeks? Will the amount of medication I'm on decrease?

My new project: