No, public, I did not crap my pants.

Yesterday morning was no good.  That's really the best way I can describe it.  I am not a morning person.  In fact, I dream a world that is absolutely silent until noon.  I long for days when I have teenagers that sleep until 1 p.m. on a Saturday.  And if they don't, I have no reservations regarding cash incentives.  

So, yesterday morning started out with the usual demands and/or somewhat annoying proclamations:

I want waffles.

I don't like cereal.

I want more waffles.

My teacher says I need to eat a bigger breakfast.

I can't find my shoes.

I left Batman outside, I need to find him now.

My diaper is wet.  I can't like underwears.

My dress not twirl big enough.

Today's my field trip, I need a sack lunch.  I HAVE to have a disposable water bottle.

I can't find my glasses.  I think I left them in the yard.  Nope.  Here they are.  

And then it was 6:05 a.m.  It was a morning where I felt like no one was listening to me, the scale tipped up yet another number, and the walls of my house seemed to have moved in another 10 feet as the disarray of half-packed boxes continue to mock me.  

I pictured McDonald's in my mind.  I pictured the drive-through, I pictured me ignoring the annoying lady at the first window who can't help but to scream "Good Morning, Beautiful!", and I pictured myself driving up to the second window retrieving the breakfast burrito that my mind was lusting for.  

But, no.  I told myself "no".  I've been doing an awesome job with juicing in the morning.  I wasn't going to make a choice I knew was only a reaction to my stress, I was going to continue on with the pattern that I was beginning to not only enjoy, but crave.  So I made myself cut my apples, broccoli, kale, grapefruit and I juiced it all up for my morning boost.  I then did my ritual of putting ice in it and setting it aside to cool while I cleaned my juicer and loaded my dishwasher.  The blade-cup in my juicer was a little stuck and so I tried to pry it out.  I then watched as my juicer slipped out of my hands, knocking my 24 oz cup of green juice all over my counter.  All.  Over. Green down my white cabinets.  Green inside the dishwasher.  A thick puddle covering the counter tops and the floor.  What was only 24 oz seemed to have multiplied into a gallon.  

My daughter watched the whole thing.  I'm pretttttty sure I didn't drop any words beginning with the letter "f" or "s", but I was clearly upset.  Aubri asked, "Are you happy, Mom?" and in my low-I-must-be-on-the-verge-of-insanity voice I replied.  "No.  Mommy.  Is.  Sad.".  She could sense the tension in the air and her 3-year old body slinked backwards into the living room to watch one of her cartoons. 

I then went through an entire roll of paper towels wiping down my kitchen.  When it was nearly clean Aubri came back and offered the only consolation she thought was guaranteed and scientifically proven:  "Mommy, do you want a band-aid?".  

Later on in the morning, I was feeling better.  I avoided McDonald's and settled on a baggie full of grapes while I taxied the kids around to their respective stomping grounds.  I was going to have a few hours to myself that day, and I was looking forward to going to Books A Million to get lost in the shelves of facts and adventures that have always offered me comfort.  

I got out of my van and started trodding into the store when I looked down at my leg.  I was wearing capri pants and thick line of dried, dark green juice ran from the bottom of my capris to the top of my shoes.  I began to highly doubt that the average shopper wondered if that was home-made juice that I had spilled and was appearing to literally run out of my pants.  

Sigh.  That was the cherry on top of my morning.  And no, public, I did not crap my pants.  

I scraped what I could off and went into the bookstore anyway.  

Where my heart is today.

Often times, before I post something I have a general sense of the path that my post will take.  I know the overall shape my writing will take, what my goal (no matter how shallow or stretched it may seem) is.  So I'd like to say up front that I really don't know what shape this will take.....so we shall see....

Last January I woke up on a Saturday morning in the Hotel Julien in Dubuque, Iowa with a sense of peace in my heart that knew could only come from God.  I had sensed the day before that I felt "right" on the Loras College campus, and the feeling I had when I woke up in the morning only confirmed the previous day's "huntch".  I knew when I woke up that Saturday that if Loras offered me a job that I would take it.  In fact, after I was offered the job I was so confident in my decision that I called another college and cancelled an interview that I had scheduled with them.  I knew that it would be a waste of my time.  I knew my decision was the right one.  

The months following made it clear that my decision was making sense.  Michael easily found a job.  We easily found a comfortable place to rent, in an area of town that we can feel "at home" in, and childcare fell in place in a matter of two phone calls.  I know that God opens doors.  But I felt like in this case he's bulldozed an entire wall and paved a way in.  

And sometimes I question why.  It was already amazing that He blessed me so quickly with a job.  The cherry on top was that Michael found a job quickly as well.  But all of the other details?  Why so gracious?  I've been racking my mind for answers over and over these past few weeks.  Why?  Why is this happening so easily?  

My knee jerk reaction was that perhaps He has big plans for me at Loras and he's paving the way for me to fulfill those plans.  But then I got out of my own selfish head and realized it might not be me at all.  Perhaps it's Michael, or our role at our new church.  Or perhaps it's one of our children.  Perhaps they are meant to experience something in Dubuque that molds them into His plan.  Or maybe all of the above.  Or maybe I'm over thinking this and maybe He is a loving and gracious God that has been showing me this whole time that He's got my back if I just relax and let Him.  It's all so much to take in.  

And I know in my heart of hearts that we are doing what we should be doing.  And the doors to Dubuque couldn't be wider.  

So why do I hurt so badly sometimes thinking about leaving?  Why do I feel so much pain when I say good-bye to my friends?  And why do I build up walls around me hoping that if some of them feel less of a connection with me, then perhaps the goodbye will be easier.  Why do I feel homesick and I haven't even left?

I'm finding comfort into digging into my "new life".  I order travel brochures for NE Iowa, Wisconsin, and Illinois.  I've tattooed the Loras website in my brain so that it feels like home.  I've signed the children up for sports and activities over the summer to jump us into our new community.  I haven't made sense of my information digging obsession, but I know it makes me feel safe.

I also find comfort in remembering that one of the cherished years in my marriage was when Michael and I moved to Joplin for year.  We didn't know anyone.  We didn't know the town.  And by the year's end we made friends that still warm my heart when I think of their generosity, compassion, humor.....lives that touched us that wouldn't have if we hadn't taken the risk. 

That's just where I'm going to have leave this blog tonight.  Ending it on the confusion that I feel like I face daily.  Waves of sadness. Waves of excitement.  Waves of mourning and waves of exhilaration.  All wrapped into a whirlwind of possibility.  

Juice Fast Day 3: Fail. Erik, you win.

I started out my day good.  I made probably the tastiest juice I've made yet.  And I had LOTS of energy.  The difference was, this was my first day back to "normal"...back to getting the kids off to school, and then working all day.  I had a juice for lunch and then another at 3 p.m., but by the end of the day my brain was in such a fog that I felt like I was doped up.  SO.  I broke my fast.  I hate some "Food should taste this good" organic crackers (which, by the way, I love).  I made the decision that I am going to change my plan now.  I'm going to not go the 10 days. (Fail.  I know.).  I made the decision that I am going to juice for 1-2 times a day, twice being the goal, and eat one healthy meal a day where I really concentrate on making it as healthy as possible. 

Erik, my big bro, has also suggested that you have one day a week where you don't worry at all about what you're eating....that you bascially have the day off.  I'm considering this, not sure yet what I think about it.  But I have heard that people who do this do better in the long run. 

So, I failed, but that's okay.  I don't start things knowing that I will succeed.  I start things with the attitude of "you never know until you try".  I find this position in life gets me fails, but it also gives me experiences I would have never gotten if I didn't give it a shot. 

So, now that I'm moving to only juicing 1-2 times I day I won't saturate my blog with this anymore.  But have no fear, I will let you know about what bandwagon I jump on next, because there are bound to be plenty.

Juice Fast Day 2: Doing surprisingly well....

Day 2 of the juice fast went better than I thought.  I thought for sure I would struggle with low-blood sugar and thus have to give it up. But it never happened!  It makes me think my body is liking this surge of micro-nutrients. Also makes me wonder just how much "added sugar" has been in my diet and has wreaked such havoc on my blood sugar balance.  I did wake up grumpy and with a headache.  Michael let me take a nap after church, but after that I felt pretty good and even suggested that we take the kids bowling.  If every day were like today, I think I could make it all 10 days.  Around day 6 I need to come up with my post-fast plan of how to get solids back into my diet while maintaining these micro-nutrients.....

It takes about a 2 qt bowl of produce...

Michael doesn't drink it but he seems to like watching the produce
get destroyed....I think he would be a good wood chopper guy...

Shooting out the green stuff....

The final product!

Juice Fast Day 1: Pretty much starting strong...

I definitely felt highly motivated when I woke up this a.m.  My awesome husband let me sleep in late and then I drank the juice that I made from my "practice run" yesterday.  Then I made more juice for the day...same ingredients as yesterday, spinach, kale, apples, carrots, celery. I was happy to get a text from my brother with a picture of his 2 qt bowl full of veggies, ready to be juiced.

After cleaning the kitchen I decided I needed to figure out the cheapest way to do this.  Organic produce isn't in our budget, though I will be glad when I can go to farmer's markets this summer.   A couple of friends had suggested Aldi.  While I was skeptical of the quality of their produce in the past, I was ready to take the challenge.  I got three big bags full of produce, all that looked great:  strawberries, blue berries, apples, oranges, bananas, a pineapple, lemons, broccoli, tomatoes, celery, carrots....all for a total of $30.  I was amazed.  I'm pretty sure I would've paid double at the store I usually shop at.  I then went to Walmart to pick up some spinach (I forgot at Aldi) and some Naked Juice to supplement for when I'm in a hurry or need to add a little more to my glass.

My second glass of the green stuff wasn't so awesome.  It tasted fine, but I was already getting tired of the flavor.  I had to alternate it with sips of herbal tea.

I decided I didn't want another green glass today so later on I juiced carrots and tomatoes, mixed in chili powder and black pepper and heated in the micro.  I know it's not optimal that I heat it in the microwave, but I needed a little variety.

I was worried how I would feel with my blood sugar today, I tend to run on the low-blood sugar side of life.  But, I haven't struggled with that at all today.  Maybe tomorrow will be bad for that.  I was hungry.  My stomach growled.  And then I realized that I don't remember the last time my stomach growled and thought maybe that was a little sad.

I think tonight I am going to re-watch Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dad to keep me motivated for days 2 & 3, which I hear can be the worst.....

Tomorrow I'll try to post some pics of my juicing experience.

And, now to confess.  I did eat 3 jelly beans.

Signing off until tomorrow.

Drinking Green: Preparing for my first day of my juice fast.

I feel like I've been in some sort of post-dissertation slup (PDS, if you will).  Now that I've come up out of exhausted fog I've been in for....well, I don't know how long....I can clearly see some of the "damage" I've done.  My house is....not so much dirty....as grimy....layers of dust, laundry, etc. haunt me as I walk the halls of my cluttered home.  The worst damage I see is around my middle and my hips.  I've been so uncomfortable in my skin the last couple of weeks....in the course of the last 18 months (preliminary exams until now) I've put on a whopping 40 pounds.  (They should have a warning:  Graduate school will be hazardous to your health).

Last week at the church we checked out in Dubuque the pastor spoke about what is "toxic" in our lives.  Of course his focus was on what is spiritually toxic, but it also made me think of toxins more wholistically...to my spirit...mind...and body.  On that day I resolved to figure out what was toxic to me spiritually.  And coincidentally, a conversation with my brother a couple of days ago helped me figure out how to address my toxic body.

He suggested that I watch the documentary, "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" on Netflix.  I did, and like probably a lot of viewers, I decided that I would jump on the bandwagon of juicing.  My big bro is also going to start, which I'm thankful for because I'll have some to text.

I'm going to start with a 10-day juice fast and then re-assess.  10-days of juice that I make directly from my juice maker.  I'll by the produce.  I'll stuff in in my juicer, which seems to have a motor that could possibly power a small helicopter, and then down the hatch it will go.  I'll buy some pre-made organic juice blends (such as Naked Juice) for times when I am on the road for work, but I'll try to make bottles in "bulk" for myself as well.

This morning I did a test run, I dusted off the Copter (my new name for my juicer), filled a 2 quart bowl full of spinach, kale, carrots, celery, and apples.  That large bowl made exactly 1 glass of dark green liquid.  And....it tastes just fine!  My kids and Michael wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot pole, but it was pretty good. And easy to make.  The juicer is a hassle to clean, but not so bad.

So, tomorrow I'll start the 10-day juice fast full-fledged.  I'll take a "before" picture, and then after a summer filled of juice-fasts and a focus on micro-nutrients and exercise I'll take an after picture.

But more than just my weight, I hope to see;

My acid reflux eliminated
My back pain in control
More energy
My post-dissertation slump (PDS ;-)  completely gone

I plan on blogging these first 10 days of the rigid fast, and then after that I'll give updates.....

Anyone else a juicer or former juicer?  Any recipes to share?  

Denver is Contagious

I've spent this past week in Denver, Colorado going to my profesional organization's annual convention (Council for Exceptional Children).  Along with 5,000+ other participants I spent the week being inspired by wisdom of leaders in my field.  And while I still have much to digest from this opportunity, my greatest "learnings" don't come from the convention, but from "life".   These lessons revolve around being contagious.  Don't worry, I'm not coming back to Iowa ready to spread yet another gross stomache virus :-)  But contagious attitudes, and contagious "ways of being".

First, know that I love the Denver airport.  Shopping, resteraunts, and other stuff make it rival most malls from my beloved home state.  The little tram that takes you to the parts of the airport plays nice music when stopping and going (rather than a blaring warning) and the voice-over announcements make you feel at-ease.  These, were just really the basics of why I loved it :-) 

The best part was witnessing how contagious a positive attitude and demeanor can effect an entire crowd.  There was a huge line to the "Super Shuttle" check-in desk.  Apparently this line was not forming in the direction that was optimal to airport functioning because the security gaurd made it his task to move the entire line in the opposite direction.  I watched how he, very effectively moved the crowd.  He started at the back of the line.  He told them that he was needing to move the line and he pointed to the area where the new line would be forming.  But then he said in a rather happy yet directive manner, "Just wait!  Don't go yet, I need to tell those folks what we'll be doing (pointing to the front of the line) and then you can follow them."  He was polite.  He was clear.  I then watched as he pleasently told the front of the line what to do and sure enough they began to merge into the other direction and slowly but surely the back of the line followed.  He then made a point to go to various parts of the line and say, "Thank  you!  You're wonderful!  But you already know that!" and other similar and encouraging phrases.  I looked around me to find the majority of people watching him, smiling, and even chuckling. 

I realize that this is very simple.  Moving a line from one spot to the next.  But it could have gone very differently.  The man could have been upset that the line was not orignially conforming to where he thought it should be.  He could have been rude, herding the line abruptly to where it needed to be.  He didn't have to say thank you, and he certainly didn't need to tell us we were wonderful.  What would have the crowd look like then?  At the very least, apathetic.  But probably you'd see faces of frustration (we just got off long flights afterall), annoyance, and inconvienience.  But just the opposite occured.  Just by being positive he not only moved a line, but he put smiles on faces and a chuckle or two in hearts.  Being positive is certainly contagious, even in places you don't expect it. 

I also can't speak of Denver without mentioning my family members who live here and graciously host their out-of-state family.  On Wednesday I got to eat dinner with my Aunt Shirley and cousin, Jared, and on Thursday, I got to hang out again with my cousin Jared.  As I write this blog I expect to get a text from my Aunt Shirley about another opportunity for us to get together again today.  And this is not uncommon to other visits to Denver.  I am amazed how they self-lessly arrange their time and schedules to spend time with me and my other family members.  They make family relationships a priority, and this has been so for as long as I can remember.  That value is also contagious.  It makes me want to be a better family member.  Who they are is also very contagious. 

Aunt Shirley is one of the most generous and kind-hearted people that I know.  She's very in tune to the needs of those around her and she goes out of her way to help people feel comfortable and valued.  Though I haven't had a chance to see him in person on this trip, I can't think of Denver without thinking of my Uncle Tom. Probably unbeknownst to him, I've observed him quite often the past few years and have been amazed by his kind heart as well, his strong sense of integrity, and gentle leadership.  Aunt Shirley and Uncle Tom are contagious.  They make me want to be a better me. 

My cousins are also amazing.  I got to spend a few hours with my cousin Jared this week.  Like his parents and his sister, Jared is also very generous and self-less.  But he's also HILARIOUS.  Now, I think I'm pretty funny.  But he really makes me look lame in comparison.  And he can also talk to just about anybody.  I'd be shocked actually if I ever saw him in a situation where he felt awkward talking to someone.  Or atleast displayed any signs of awkwardness.  His humor and spirit are contagious.  Jenny, who I didn't get to see because she is in Russia, has many special gifts....gifts of empathy and caring....gifts of listening and loving. 

I bring all of these things up today....the airport experiences..the experiences with my family...because I really am intrigued with the notion that the way we are...our demeanor, how we treat others...is really, very contagious.  We have the power, as human beings, to make others upset, frustrated, or angry...or we have the power to make others happy, comfortable...even inspired.  Which brings me to an uncomfortable self-reflection.  How am I being contagious?  I'd like to say all positive ways, but I know that is not true.   But that is something to look forward to....ever-growing, ever-changing.