I'm a hyper-focuser. I don't even know if that's a real word, but too bad, because that's what I am.
I tend to have spontaneous bursts of hyper-focus that have somehow carried me through my life and my achievements and I'd say overall it's not a bad thing. Some people could claim it's called "Works good under pressure", but that's not it, it's much more than that.
I hyper-focus on my actions, and I hyper-focus on my thoughts. But again, these are bursts of hyper-focus, (and we're not talking about something like that movie Limitless so just calm down), not sustained hyper-focus.
Why am I writing this? Because on the eve--or crazy early morning of---my 12th anniversary I've come to the exhausted realization that this trait I have has impacted my marriage, for better or for worse (pun pretty much intended).
My grandmother used to have a lighted mirror on her vanity table in her bedroom. On one side was a regular mirror. I'd go in there, use her brush thinking it was probably had some sort of magical super powers and feeling slightly guilty for using it, and look into the mirror, smile, and think "Hey! Not bad!" But then I'd flip the rotating mirror to the other side, the side that had some sort of magnification power and I'd say "GAH!!! GROSS!!" I didn't realize that pores could be that huge, or that zit was even there, and...wait...is that a HAIR?! What am I? A MAN?" And I would quickly then move the mirror back to its "normal" state feeling a bit exposed and a lot more worse about myself.
That magnified mirror is what I do to my marriage. I spontaneously hyper-focus on all of the messy and less-important details and I say, "GAH!! What have I done! This isn't as awesome as I was thinking it was or should be! I'm not a worthy wife! And why can't he get out of the bed in the morning before he passes gas!" I hyper-focus on these details with an "end of the world" emotion attached and the big-picture gets blocked. Thankfully, the mirror always flips back around and after licking the wounds I created we go back to "the normal" view of our marriage and move on.
I could probably think of a million cliches or analogies to describe this, and while I don't wish this on anyone, obviously, a part of me hopes that I'm normal too and others have experienced it.
I guess what's important in this is to say this....here, on my 12th anniversary, is a realization that Michael---who does not hyper-focus on our marriage--who does not spontaneously freak--has rooted himself in such a way that allows our marriage to continue to grow and flourish. When people ask me "How do you do it all?", my answer is.....I am, I do, I can because Michael is. I'm no longer naive to the fact that God has blessed me with my husband because I am better with him, worse without him.
The details may be messy, if you get too close. But I can't erase them. And I won't erase them. Even the ones that that cause my face to flush with shame. Because when I step back one...two...three steps...I see something beautiful that I can't take my eyes off of.
