Saying Goodbye to 2012

It's my blogging tradition to say goodbye to the current year.  So, here it is.  "Goodbye, 2012, you crazy-son-of-a-gun."  I thought since I was already personifying the year by saying goodbye to it  I might as well tag on a term of endearment. 

This really was a crazy, bitter-sweet year. 

I birthed a dissertation.  For some reason that is the only image I can use to describe that process.  I graduated with my Ph.D.  We moved to Dubuque.  I said good-bye to dear friends.   I said hello to new friends.  I started a whole new career.  I experienced growing pains, both personal and professional.  I felt blessed by my growing pains. 

I've missed my friends and family.  I've learned that the home you build up around you and your family...the community you establish...is largely a product of the love and energy that you put into it. (And I can pretty much gaurantee that when Michael reads that line he will crack a joke about the Beatles and their lyrics, "The love you take is equal to the love you make.")  And some days the energy to build that home and community just isn't there and you want to bury yourself in blankets and forget that the day exists.  And other days that energy overflows and you run with it.  And you allow yourself to love new things.  Make new traditions.  Love new people. 

Most importantly, I've learned that God takes care of us no matter our location.  He cared for us in Ames and He cares for us in Dubuque.  He continues to provide regardless of zipcode.  And while it's easy to become homesick, we can rest easy knowing that the memories of our past keep us warm and the hopes for our future keep us moving. 

Tone it down, Kruse.

At times, the hardest aspect of life are lessons that we learn along the way.  Ironically, those lessons, or the realizations of those lessons are also rewarding because it is amazing that we have the opportunity to have truths revealed about us....and more importantly, the opportunity to grow or change.

Until recently I've prized my personality.  I've always been on the more "passionate" side of life.  As a child I took on my own causes...starting an environment club (with just myself, by the way, but I did write out club goals and expectations), writing the mayor of my city my concerns, and I even vividly remember riding my bike to the home of my state legislator when I was in sixth grade, knocking on his front door to chat about equal rights.  Thankfully I had the Girl Scouts as my excuse because he   let me in.  (That was the 80's.  You could go into someone's home without causing a huge scandal).  

But my personality has only intensified throughout the years (though I'm convinced I stalled out in high school, for some reason I think that I must have been somewhat of a dud in that phase).  

And I've prized that passion.  It's driven me to the field that I work in, and it motivates me to keep going. It's caused me to be expressive, spontaneous, and wear my heart on sleeve.  (Side note, I almost typed "literally wear my heart on my sleeve" until I realized how disgusting that actually is).  

But now I've had to take a step back and re-evaluate.  Perhaps, at times, I'm too much.  The inflections in my voice.  My hand-gestures.  My knee-jerk reactions in some conversations.  I wonder if this expression could easily be misinterpreted as as abrupt or abrasive.  (By the way, my husband disagreed when I asked him this.  But then I thought, I'm sure my husband, who shares my bed, doesn't really want to say "Yes, honey, you're too abrasive".)  

Not that I think that I have to change my personality...but I think that I need to reflect on the level of the intensity of my reactions and responses.  

A good friend once told me that I don't have a poker-face, and she's right.  If  I'm confused, happy, annoyed, it shows up on my face in pretty quick.  I should have been in comedy, because for some reason it seems like the faintest expression on me appears exaggerated.  And when I try to remain expression-less I'm pretty sure I look grumpy.  My hand motions also tend to be a bit over-played.  I really need to become more self-aware of how my body-language contributes to the energy of those around me.  

I also need to consider my reactions--both the response-time and level of intensity.  I need to remember that A) my emergencies are for sure not the emergencies of others and B) not everything deserves the same level of passion and energy.  Ironically I'm probably exaggerating B a little bit.  I do know that not everything deserves the same level, but I do feel I need to be more selective on what I am most expressive about.  In addition to making people, particularly those who don't know me, feel uncomfortable...I worry that if I come come off as intense on so many issues, how will people know what it is that I am really passionate about?    

If I bought a brand-new alarm clock, the sound of its alarm would startle me the first few mornings.  My heart might even race.  I probably wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep.  Eventually, I would get used to the alarm and my hand would easily find its way to the snooze button.  I'd be able to roll-over, and at times, even forget that it ever went off.  I don't want people, both personally and professionally, to learn to hit my snooze button.  Because what if at one point...there is something I really, really need to say.  What if something on my most passionate list (disability rights, love for family and friends, inclusion, my faith) simply gets ignored because the sound of my own alarm has become background noise, easy to be ignored?

My personality has it's own conflicts.  While I am expressive, I'm also highly sensitive.  I'm very sensitive to how I might have made others feel (unfortunately I'm better and realizing after-the-fact rather than in-the-moment).  I feel very hurt and broken if I've realized that I in someway hurt someone else or made them feel uncomfortable.  I do know that as a person that I fail often in my personal interactions, but just to know that I've been the cause of frustration or hurt can be enough to immobilize me.  And I know that needs to change.  I need to be very aware of how my expression and timing can directly influence another person's mood.  One of my favorite quotes, "Do you light up a room when you walk in, or when you walk out?"  I don't want to be anyone's darker moment.  

I don't think those who know me best will ever describe me as "even keel".  My days working at Camp taught me that a keel is the center of the canoe.  We were taught the term "heel on the keel".  If you go off of the keel to quick or too far, you could easily tip your canoe.  (But you don't have to worry about the keel if you have a giant snake in your boat, but that is a story for another day).  I just need to remember to keep "heel on the keel".  I'll always be a bit wobbly.  I'll never be perfectly even---and I don't think I was designed to be.  I don't think my Creator made me that way.  But I do think He did make me reflective, responsive, and responsible to the individuals that surround me in my daily life and so I need to work to be more self-aware to the impact of my expressions and passion to those around me.  

Side note:  I'm fairly confident that I just explained my canoe analogy all wrong, which justifies that while working at Camp they kept me far away from the canoes and stuck me in Arts and Crafts.