What grief has taught me about God's capacity to care

Many of you may have seen a couple of "tribute" posts I've made on Facebook recently regarding the the passing of my Uncle Gary.  I'm going to miss him quite a bit.....but my heart breaks for those who are even much more closer to him, particularly his immediate family and most obviously, my Aunt, whom has been near and dear to my heart since she became my pen pal when I was little kid.

I've always had a very empathetic heart that grieves and feels strongly when those I love are hurt in some way.  It impacts my whole self and completely overwhelms me.  That being said, worrying and grieving for my aunt of the loss of her husband has been incredibly difficult these past few days.

The thought struck me.....if I am this overwhelmed and impacted....how does God feel?  I can only imagine how my aunt and my Uncle's children and grandchildren are feeling in these busy days and quiet nights, but God knows very intimately how they feel, how must His heart hurt and He even knows ALL the grief around the entire world.

I often think of God's power in physical form....his ability to heal illness...His creation....but I often don't think of God as an emotional being and since we are created in God's image and because Jesus walked among us...I believe that He knows the emotional limits and intensity of human emotion, and I also believe that HE experiences intense emotions as well. Which makes me go back to that earlier thought....God knows ALL the grief around the world, yet He has to continue doing all of the amazing and wonderful things He does for us each day (whereas my response is to find my favorite blanket and ice cream and create a cocoon for myself on the couch).  This made me realize something I haven't thought of before...God's amazing capacity for emotion....and his amazing capacity to love and support our emotions.

I used to feel guilty about my prayers knowing that there were others out there dealing with harder issues than myself.  How could I pray for God to help me lose weight when there were millions of starving children?  How could I pray for patience with my children when there are millions of children in abusive homes?  And now I realize that I can pray for God's help in my somewhat simple life because he has the capacity to care for ALL of us.  He has the capacity for joy and grief that is immeasurable.  Just as he knows the number of hairs on our heads he knows what's causing our hearts to leap and to break.  And by not praying for what I believe to think is "not something God would care about" is telling God that I don't think He is powerful enough to help me.  I've never thought of that message before that I have been sending God all of these years....and I pray that He forgives me for treating Him in that way.

I think we limit God...I think we try to make Him human.  Where do you limit God's power in your life?

12th Anniversary reflection on Marriage

I've figured out that I'm not a procrastinator.  

I'm a hyper-focuser.  I don't even know if that's a real word, but too bad, because that's what I am.  

I tend to have spontaneous bursts of hyper-focus that have somehow carried me through my life and my achievements and I'd say overall it's not a bad thing.  Some people could claim it's called "Works good under pressure", but that's not it, it's much more than that.

I hyper-focus on my actions, and I hyper-focus on my thoughts.  But again, these are bursts of hyper-focus, (and we're not talking about something like that movie Limitless so just calm down), not sustained hyper-focus.  

Why am I writing this?  Because on the eve--or crazy early morning of---my 12th anniversary I've come to the exhausted realization that this trait I have has impacted my marriage, for better or for worse (pun pretty much intended).  

My grandmother used to have a lighted mirror on her vanity table in her bedroom.  On one side was a regular mirror.  I'd go in there, use her brush thinking it was probably had some sort of magical super powers and feeling slightly guilty for using it, and look into the mirror, smile, and think "Hey! Not bad!" But then I'd flip the rotating mirror to the other side, the side that had some sort of magnification power and I'd say "GAH!!!  GROSS!!" I didn't realize that pores could be that huge, or that zit was even there, and...wait...is that a HAIR?! What am I? A MAN?"  And I would quickly then move the mirror back to its "normal" state feeling a bit exposed and a lot more worse about myself.  

That magnified mirror is what I do to my marriage.  I spontaneously hyper-focus on all of the messy and less-important details and I say, "GAH!!  What have I done!  This isn't as awesome as I was thinking it was or should be!  I'm not a worthy wife! And why can't he get out of the bed in the morning before he passes gas!"  I hyper-focus on these details with an "end of the world" emotion attached and the big-picture gets blocked.  Thankfully, the mirror always flips back around and after licking the wounds I created we go back to "the normal" view of our marriage and move on.  

I could probably think of a million cliches or analogies to describe this, and while I don't wish this on anyone, obviously, a part of me hopes that I'm normal too and others have experienced it.  

I guess what's important in this is to say this....here, on my 12th anniversary, is a realization that Michael---who does not hyper-focus on our marriage--who does not spontaneously freak--has rooted himself in such a way that allows our marriage to continue to grow and flourish.  When people ask me "How do you do it all?", my answer is.....I am, I do, I can because Michael is.  I'm no longer naive to the fact that God has blessed me with my husband because I am better with him, worse without him.  

The details may be messy, if you get too close.  But I can't erase them.  And I won't erase them.  Even the ones that that cause my face to flush with shame.  Because when I step back one...two...three steps...I see something beautiful that I can't take my eyes off of.  

My journey with Depression

What if they hate me some day?

What if they don't become happy adults?

What if they don't have healthy friendships?

What if their teachers are upset with them?

What if their teachers are upset with me?

What if people blame me for their messy hair?

What if....What if....What if.....

Developing as a mother over the course of the last 10 years has been both a challenge and a blessing.  When I first imagined being a mom I imagined giving birth, then BOOM, I was a mom and I would either be a good mom or a not-so-good mom.  I didn't realize that parenting was a development process just like almost every other major role in my life, and I didn't forsee the barriers that would come that would impact this development.  

And developing was not that easy for me.  I hid my stress pretty easily (at least I think I did, who knows!).  But when I had four kids under the age of 4 years old, had a full-time job, and working my way through my Ph.D., I felt anything but calm, cool, and collected.  The pressures of being the magazine-perfect mom were enourmous and I could feel the weight of the pressure crushing on top of me, making me feel smaller and smaller.  I was a woman (I AM STILL a woman, for anyone wondering where I was going after that sentence).  Because I was a woman, shouldn't being a mom be easy and natural?  

Instead, I found myself wrapped up and riddled with stress and guilt that cycled around in the most unhealthy of ways.  

Last fall, I hit the bottom.  Tears streamed down my face in front of my newly-appointed nurse practitioner as I explained to her how I was feeling.  Dark.  Stressed. Depressed.  Not Good Enough.  I felt I was failing and I couldn't admit it to anyone.  My head physically felt like there was a constant weight, and my heart felt like it could explode in a million pieces at any minute.  And the CHEWING!  Dear goodness, the CHEWING!  Stop eating next to me! The littlest of things that wouldn't bother a "normal" person were sending me way over the edge in a way that I couldn't control.

My nurse practioner talked to me about depression.  Yes, I met almost every risk-indicator, but I couldn't be depressed.  How could a person who was naturally energetic, and let's face it, SUPER freakin' hilarious, be depressed??  But we talked.  And she was right.  I was.  I was so disappointed in myself.  I felt like I had let everyone down.  

And then I told myself to stop being a hypocrite.  I talk constantly with my students about the realities of mental health.  And that it need not be a taboo topic.  And that individuals that live with mental health-related disorders should never be made to feel ashamed.  Meanwhile, there I was....embarassed of being depressed.  Ashamed.  What a hypocrite.  

So I started the antidepressants that she prescribed, and within a few days I felt the sky was no longer a thick gray.  I felt my brain was not weighed down by cinder block.  I felt happy.  I wasn't annoyed.  I noticed how funny my kids were.  I noticed how cool my students could be.  I noticed fall leaves, coffee smells, and warm blankets again.  Depression was covering my senses.  It was covering my love, and it was smothering.  But the prescription was helping and within a month I was feeling like the Aryn that I personally love.  

And then my development as a mother began again.  I hugged the kids longer.  Played with them more.  Laughed at them more than ever.  Read to them longer.  My patience and grace for them began to stretch in ways that I always thought it should and knew it could.  I began to reflect and learn about being a mom again....instead of feeling hurt and defensive of my mistakes, I began to see them as points of growth.  I still fail......but I am not selfishly wrapped up in my own failure, I'm letting myself grow.  

I don't write this for any type of attention that admitting depression could give.  I write this because I hid what I was going through for a long time because I felt ashamed, and the fact is, there is nothing to be ashamed of.  What's true is that my brain does work a bit differently and their is an imbalance that is helped by the use of antidepressants.  But I'm not ashamed of that, just as I am not ashamed that I wear corrective lenses or need shoes with higher arch supports.  Our bodies were not made to be perfect and stay perfect, so to think that my brain should be any different than any other part of my body is simply unreasonable.  So I write this because there could be other moms out there that struggle....and you should know that you shouldn't be ashamed or upset with yourself.  It is what it is, and embrace who you are.  You are enough.  

Raising four children: Fair is not equal.

One very  hard lesson our kiddos are learning is the concept of what is "fair" vs. what is "equal".  It boils down to this for our family:  What is fair is not necessarily what is equal.  In fact, sometimes giving what is equal is not fair at all.  Understanding the unique talents, needs, and challenges of each of my children and providing for them what will individually help them them grow...that is fair.

At the most basic level this means this:  I wouldn't give a 6-month old a chicken breast and a cup of broccoli because that's what my 10-year old got, thus making it fair.  I would give my 12-month old a half a banana and 4 oz of yogurt and my 10-year old the chicken meal...because developmentally that's what each of them could handle.  The same goes for other things in life....the types of praise, consequences, rewards, toys, screen-time, types of screen-time, etc. varies based on each child.

This is necessary not only for development, but for maturity.  I have a "special" chair at my work for lumbar support.  What if my coworker came in and shouted, "That's not fair!".  The purpose of the chair isn't to make me more comfortable than peers, in fact, the purpose is to make me as pain-free as my peers.  My employer isn't trying to show favoritism, my employer is trying to give me what I individually need.

Finally, we can't afford for fair to be equal.  I can budget to take my kids out on a date one kid at a time, but I can't budget to take four kids out on a date at a time.  I can afford to rotate who gets to pick something from the book order, but I can't afford four kids ordering from the book order each time.  Basically, over time I can provide extras for all of our kids, but if I was expected to do that for all four kids at the same time each time...we could never afford to do anything extra or special.

Finally, fairness isn't going to be found in comparison to their peers.  Which may be an even harder lesson.  I can't afford, and frankly wouldn't if I could, to buy each brand new cool thing out there.  I also can't afford most popular family vacations.  But what I can afford is unconditional love, laughs, time spent with my kids playing and listening, and a value that the greatest things in life won't be found at the bottom of your toy box or hanging in your closet....the greatest things in life are found in our relationships with people and with God.

So, when you're at my house, and you hear the distant cry or quite grumble of "that's not fair" you will hear me respond with. "It might not be equal, but it's probably fair."  But I hope you always feel loved.

5 Awesome "Things"

When I work with my students on their technical writing I often give the advice of "don't use the word 'thing'".  Well, do as I say, not as I do.  Or did.  And will try not to do again in the future.

I had a frustrating day today.  Not a work-related issue, but a personal issue that hovered, clouded, and eventually stormed my mind.  I hate that I have the tendency to let negative thoughts overpower me and interfere with my day.  Towards the end of the day, I saw that it was a friend's birthday.  I haven't seen this friend in quite awhile but I'd consider her very influential in my growth as a person and in my understanding of how to work with kids.  I thought instead of my usual "Have a happy birthday" statement on her Facebook wall I'd put up an image of popcorn that reminded me of how she made me popcorn on one of the more stressful nights at the camp I worked at during my college years.  After I posted it I noticed how my mood changed.  I was thinking more positive, I was thinking about positive people in my life and their lasting impact.  That led me to the idea of writing this blog post, "5 Awesome Things".  In the grand scheme of life, what frustrated me is so small and unworthy of making me weary.  There are too many awesome people that have breathed encouragement, love, and strength into me to let my focus be on something harmful to my spirit.

Why the word "Things"?  Because I can't nail down the most accurate word....I wouldn't say the word "gesture" because that seems too cold.  A gesture is something nice you do for an acquaintance.  I wouldn't say "deed" because I doubt that anyone would want me think of myself as their personal project.  I wouldn't say "act of kindness" because the word "act" makes the kindness seem to isolated out of what a person might be doing on an regular basis...in other words, the "thing" they did is very much apart of who they are and what they regularly do....to call it an "act of kindness" might separate the kindness from the individual too much.  Am I over thinking this?  All in favor say "aye".

So, I gotta get to this.  Lately the weakness of my blog is that I spend 75% of my writing in introduction.  And 10% in random tangents like explaining the percentages of how my blog is being poorly written.

Without furtheradoooooo......5 Awesome "Things"

5.  Foooooood.  Of course I'm going to say food first.  You don't get this adorably chubby physique by not appreciating food.  Throughout all four babies and three back surgeries we've been blessed by friends, church members, family, and co-workers who have kept us fed with tasty, hot food.  It's always meant so much to us that people have taken time out their busy day, and money out of their tighter budgets, to offer help in this meaningful way.

4.  Late night trips to Dairy Queen.  I mentioned above about a friend making popcorn at camp.  Another camp friend kidnapped me once after dark and drove me 30 miles through a moose-filled forest to get me some ice cream.

3.  Encouragement.  I have many friends who are so awesome at encouraging me.  One friend comes to mind particularly who has never been shy of telling me "You're freakin' awesome".  In all of the years I've known him he's had the capacity to make everyone around him feel as if they are at "rock-star" status.  It's great to have friends who freely give out positive encouragement.

2.  Diverse friendships.  And when I say "diverse" I'm really talking about the characteristics of the friendship itself rather than the individual.  I have friends who respond to me very differently, and I think that all of those responses are valuable.  If I have a "problem" I have friends who listen and offer multiple perspectives.  And I need that.  I also have friends who listen to my problems and put on their boxing gloves ready to fight my battle for me.  And on a lot of days....I really need that spirit of a friend to push me on through.  The power of friendship...it's ability to support and heal..is an awesome "thing".

1.  The Dirty Work.  Through pregnancy complications and back surgeries I've had friends and family that have gotten "dirty" for us.  They've swept and washed our floors, literally touched our dirty laundry, and even had to help me with my own personal needs as I recovered from my spinal fusion.  To see a friend or family member do that "dirty work" is the ultimate revelation that you are, in fact, loved.

Because my introduction was too lengthy, I'll save some time in the conclusion and just say....
The End.

10 Things I Know to Be True

I realized that I haven't written on this blog since last April.  I wrote on my "Fusion Recovery" blog, which makes sense since that has been a pretty occupying event in my life these past 6 months.  But I think it's time to start up again.  But I feel stumped with a topic.  I have some ideas that have been roaming around my mind, but nothing to which I've followed-through.  

One of my favorite spoken word poets, Sarah Kay, has an assignment to help cure writer's block.  That assignment is to write "10 things I know to be true".  That list can then lead to a list of "topics" for a writing piece.  So.  In efforts to cure my writer's block, here's my list.......

1.  I  have a nomadic spirit.  My mind is constantly trying to make sense of my "next step" in life.  I have a drive to personally evolve that just can't be squashed.  A lot of the time the motivation behind this is because I don't really like feeling content in my career...I feel (right or wrong) that the biggest difference I can make in the world must be just outside my comfort zone.  If I'm comfortable with my job, or see that I'm not impacting positive change, I feel the itch to move on and take another risk.  

2.  I love pre-packaged desserts.  Swiss Cake rolls. Those fried cherry pie things are THE best.  Cosmic brownies.  Fudge rounds. Star Crunch.  If it comes in a clear flimsy package, I love it.  

3.  I have a lot of self-confidence issues with my appearance.  I don't like being overweight.  I criticize my hair, fashion, etc.  I do believe I'm blessed to have a husband that calls me beautiful no matter how I feel about myself.  I wish I felt wonderful about my body, no matter how big my curves, but I simply don't.  I've tried very hard to think of health over appearance, but I'm not successful in keeping my mind in that direction.  

4.  I love that my husband is 6'4.  I always wanted to marry a tall man and I accomplished that :-) 

5.  My relationship with God is in desperate need of attention.  I do believe that God has been patient with me, but I worry for how much longer He will wait.  I never, ever imagined life to be so intense, and I'm ashamed that the one thing that could really make a difference in my life and my family is the one thing that gets pushed to the back of my mind.  Thankfully we've found a church in Dubuque that we love, but I know that God is wanting my attention for all of my days, not just Sundays.   

6.  I mostly only drink 1/2 of my can of pop, but I tend to drink all of a 20 oz bottle.  I've recently discovered why that is.  Without going into detail, I will share that I've been behaviorally engineered to expect cigarette ashes at the bottom of pop cans, so believe I don't finish pops out of subconscious fear.  

7.  Even though I know #1 to be true, I have to say that I love, love teaching at the college level.  I believe that while I can't promise where I'll be at 30 years from now I would be surprised if I didn't retire from being a professor.  Of course I realize that I have no ideas the curve balls that will be tossed in my direction, but I could see myself teaching until I'm 70.  With my current student-loan status, that will probably be 5 years too early. 

8.  I can't grow out my fingernails or my hair.   And I've only had a manicure once in my life.  Never a pedicure.  My feet are gross and I don't wish that experience on anyone.  

9.  I  had an idea at work today that included the term "Jedi".  And even though my idea did not go over with any amount of success, I have no regrets.  Except for maybe that I did not speak my idea as Yoda did.  "Reject my idea you should.  Brainstorming out loud again I am."

10.  My husband is perhaps the most devoted person that I know.  While we don't always see eye to eye and our marriage is not being pitched to Hollywood as the next "Ghost" or "Dirty Dancing" romance, I can't imagine a partner being as devoted to me as he is.  He supported me through graduate school, is patient and open-minded with my career path, and was my caretaker for all three back surgeries.  When I think about "what might have been" with other men I don't think in romantic wonder, I think in perplexed horror of what might have been if it were not him that I married.  That may sound a bit dramatic.  But, that's really the bottom line.  

So, that's it.  That's my 10 things.  Whether or not they turn into actual topics is yet to be determined, but it feels great to write again.  

Plan B: Spinal Fusion

Well, my back has been progressively getting worse.  I would list all of the issues that my back is causing, but I'll sum up with the major ones:  difficulty walking, increase in frequency (and duration) of muscle spasms in my back and right leg, difficulty getting out of chairs, extreme difficulty sleeping at night.  Those are the major issues.  A week ago I had two back spasms while teaching.  It was horrible.  I wanted to crawl into the cupboard of the podium.

With the progression of symptoms regardless of PT, my surgeon ordered a "discogram" to check the health of another one of my discs.  We know that my lowest disc, L5-S1 is bad, but he was questioning the health of the one above it, L4-L5.  They put a needle in a good disc as a control, and a needle in the bad one and then they push a dye through in order to see how the disc does under pressure. The disc is "bad" if the xray shows the dye leaking out of the disc and if the test causes pain. (Check and Check). The needle itself through a lightening bolt of pain down my leg.  Then the doctor said, "Okay, we are ready to start."  Needless to say this threw me into a whirlwind of tears.  Thankfully the nursing staff were amazing and helped me get through it by chatting with me about my family and the conscious sedation took an edge off.  The doctor showed me the results right there.  He compared my good disc with one of my bad discs.  It's quite amazing the toll degenerative disc disease has taken on these discs and I'm only 34.

The results have led my surgeon to recommend, and me to happily accept, a spinal fusion to fuse L5-S1 and L4-L5 disc spaces (3 vertebrae total).  The surgery will be on May 28th. Three days after I'm done with Loras for the academic year :-)  Leaving me with 3 months to recover before classes start again.

During the surgery they will take out what's left of the discs.  The surgeon will then make new "bones" using my bone tissue, cadaver bone tissue, and an artificial substance.  The bone will be placed where the discs were and then a cage will be made using titanium rods and screws, attaching and protecting the new bone to the vertebrae.  I'll be in a back brace for 3 months with limited activity in hopes (and very good odds) that the new bone will grow into my vertebrae.

I'm thankful that medicine has come this far and that this surgery option is available.  My dad has gotten this same surgery done and as I'm sure he could also attest, it's hard to imagine what I would do without it.  The degeneration and pain in my back is quite disabling and living in this amount of chronic pain is quite unbearable.  I'm not upset that I have to have surgery, I'm quite grateful that there is an option available to help me function again.

I'm looking forward to pain-free (or at least pain minimized!) days in the future.  My family and job continue to be bright spots in the midst of these issues.  Coincidentally on the same day that I had the back spasms while teaching I got an anonymous "shout out" on an anonymous Facebook Page run called "Du it Forward" that stated "Dr. Kruse is an amazing professor and person".  Even though I was so horrified that I had those spasms in class, that encouragement made my week because I knew that even though my back issues consume me, they don't define me.